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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Laura Bush has my condolences





"Hey, Dubya! This is Jane! How's it hanging there in D.C?"

"Good, good to hear. Hey, the reason I'm calling... I just wanted to thank you SO much. I really appreciate that you thought you were answering my domestic prayers and all but... I think you might need your ears cleaned, because when I joked that 'we' needed a wife, I meant the whole family needed someone EXTRA to take care of all those crappy tasks that I not only don't have time for... but, frankly, don't want to do. "

"Yep, yep. Like detoxifying the veggie drawer and scrubbing the skid marks from the toilet bowl. "

"Yeah, ick! That's what I say, too! Ick!"

"But Georgie, I DIDN'T say that I need a house husband. "

"Yeah, I know, it sounds good in theory, and oh I'm sure you'll make an excellent one... I guess we're going to find out pretty soon here, huh?"

"Already?"

"Ohhhh, that's what you've been up to. Shining up the Lincoln bathroom, are you?"

"Well, good for you! You go, Tydebol man!"

"Oh, he's a... never mind. That was just a (really bad) joke. But, now see, what I want to talk about is this whole financial crisis you got us into? "

"Yeah, that's the one."

"It's gone too far, Dub. I've been pretty patient. I battled the hella high gas prices by riding my bike and piggybacking my errands. I've been sticking to the sales to stretch my food budget far enough to feed ALL my family members and we've cut back on the luxuries like 2-ply toilet tissue and meat."

"No, I'm sure you weren't even aware there are alternatives. I have to tell you that cheap toilet paper is not your friend when you do all that bike riding but we're working that out... notsomuch with what's been happening lately. See, I'm not going to be able to retire at 62 like you. No, probably not even at 72 because my retirement account is kinda looking like my gas gauge... way down below a quarter tank. "
"No, it wasn't always like that... and now this last week pretty much bites the pie, dude, because thanks to your little credit crunch, builders aren't building because investors aren't investing because lenders aren't lending. You know what that means for me, Gee? That means that project managers aren't managing. It means they are on HIATUS."
"HI - A - TUS. That's a fancy word for staying at home. "

"Yes, that does sound like fun if you are tired of working."

"Oh you are..."

"But see, that means that I now have a house husband... who prefers the term Mr. Mom."

"Uh, huh. Yeah, I liked that movie, too."

"Laura lets you play with the vacuum, does she? Well, I bet that IS a good time... you be careful, hear? Now back to me, George. See, I still have a job. I want to keep my job. I need to get my job done. I don't need 57 phone calls and emails every day asking me how to undelete junkmail (for???) and where we keep the boat polish."

"Nope, I truly have NO opinion on whether the mower should be lowered a notch."

"Entertaining? Well, it should have been funny when he locked himself out of the house and his truck in the same day, but after a while it all accumulates on top of my last nerve and I tend to rocket right off the anger management wagon. "

"She did? Oh, dude, I'd lay low for a while if I were you. And in the future, keep your hands off the hand washables."
"Okay, anyhowdy, I really need to know when you think this shit is going to end. "

"Yeah, I know. I heard about the bailout and all that. "

"Uh, huh. See, I'm wondering if you have any idea when that's going to start taking effect."

"Sometime in January... after you leave office... and not before... ahhh... I see."

"Shit Georgie, I hope you are so right because meanwhile, if I should happen to beat myself into a coma with my stapler or stab a mechanical pencil through my frontal lobe there will be one more family in America without health insurance... or clean toilets. "

13 comments:

Tracie said...

LOL! You crack me up!

Shanna said...

This is great! Your hubby is a Mr. Mom for a bit eh? I feel for you. I really do. No, really. HAHAHA ;) Train PA to chew out the crotch in HIS underware.

Debbie said...

Funny, funny. And yes, poor Laura. And poor Barbara. I have to think she is embarrassed by him too.

Nadine Hightower said...

funny.
If he was a drunken frat boy what does that make her??

Kat said...

Wouldn't it be great if you REALLY could have that conversation with Dubya and then tell him that he is the biggest LOSER ever? Sorry about the house hubby, but please don't still a mechanical pencil through your frontal lobe, I would miss you...

Diane said...

God, that was funny! Hope the hubby's out of the house soon (and I mean back at work, not living in his truck because you won't let him come home ;)

Diane said...

Hey, when you get a second, go to my blog and read my 'Out of the Mouths of Tweens' post from this morning. It'll give you a big chuckle!

Diane said...

The stalking's totally mutual, believe me!! :)

Gina (Mannyed) said...

HILARIOUS! So, um, can I have Dub's digits...I would like to call and say....hi.

The Lady in Pearls said...

Oh dear Jane! House hubby, huh? Ouch. I would put him to deal with the vegetable sludge in the fridge. That should keep him occupied long enough to stop calling you. Please don't staple your forehead though. Everyone will laugh at you on your bike ride home. Hang in there. Could Homer possibly carry a gun? Ward will hire him!

Miss Thystle said...

BEST POST EVER!

Anonymous said...

Never ceases to amaze me how many peeps really believe the prez has anything (in the WORLD) to do with the economy.

Cute story though...

nodope

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Homer is job hunting. I had no idea. g