Thursday, September 18, 2008
My friend is flying in Saturday morning and then we are heading out on Sunday. I am trying to figure out a way to keep her away from my house until dark on Saturday. Combine that with the faux power outage that I have planned for Saturday night and she will never have to know what a sad state my house is in. When we get back the next Saturday, the mess can all be blamed on the rest of the family... not that most of it isn't caused by them anyway.
Last night I spent over half an hour that I didn't have, sorting through all the options in the panty department of my favorite local store. Back in August, when I was watching the Olympics, I saw an advertisement that showed several women trying to discreetly shake their underwear out of their crack. I know, I know, spare me your thong theory - I just can't go there! Anyway, the advertiser promised to cure all need for any 'adjustments' and I tell you I have never before felt so moved by anything on tv. I thought 'Oh, My! THAT is MY STORY!!!'... only I was so busy feeling kinship with those women that I failed to absorb the brand name. I kept thinking I would see the ad again but no... and THEN last night as I was shopping, I saw something that almost made me call up my broker to buy stock in Hanes... if I even had a broker. There on a package of panties was a little sticker that said "Be Wedgie-Free" and I remembered that ad and I think I even squealed a bit at the idea that I could be going on a vacation without constantly doing the panty dance. Mr. Hanes was even promising to give my money back if they did ride up. How could I go wrong? In my excitement I bought two packages... 6 pairs total... almost a week's worth of cheeky comfort!
Well, I took them home and washed them... because, well, you know... you could catch something. Anyway, this morning I grabbed my full-of-promise panties and seriously, jumped into them. Hmm... front looks good... fabric is nice... size feels perfect... okay turn for the rearview.
Do you know why they promise not to ride up? Because there is enough fabric in the butt-al area for at least a whole 'nother a$$. I looked like a toddler with a big load of junk in her trunk. No kidding. I could've probably pulled the backside up to my bra strap. Instead I folded it over a few times and finished dressing, feeling very let down. Now I keep nervously checking to make sure the wad o' panty-back isn't erupting from my trouser-top. Can't wait for the bike ride home from work. People will think I'm packing a parachute.
I truly believe that life is too short to wear bad underwear, but I have tried almost everything out there - from VS to FotL. All I really want is underwear that fit, don't shrink, don't ride up and make me look like Cindy Crawford. Is that really too much to ask?
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
First of all there was the high school homecoming football game... that our team lost. But the cheerleaders were spectacular. This one was my favorite :
Then there was Saturday, which was basically Jane running ragged... looking for jewelry, a certain makeup and double-faced tape to keep the dress in place - all necessary prep for the dance on Saturday night. Doesn't sound like much but the jewelry thing was a pain. Omega was at her 'day activity' - part of the daylong date process. Okay, I did sneak in quite a bit of shopping for myself. I didn't buy much but I enjoyed looking.
Then there were the standard manis and pedis to cure, hair to curl, not makeup to do, though. Mom doesn't do the makeup. Omega is quite the picky pants about the makeup.
Look! It's Homecoming Barbie!
And then we took lots of pictures and the boys came and we took even more pictures and then we sent them off:
Awww... so sweet... off to dinner and the dance!
Eventually, I got out of bed and I turned on the front lights... nothing. I turned on the back lights... nothing. Well, except for that cop shining a flashlight in Homer's face. And the cop was yelling and Homer was laughing so I opened the door and asked what was going on. The cop asked me if I knew that guy. I swear I only hesitated for like a few seconds before admitting ownership. Turns out someone had reported the barking dog and when the cops showed up, here was Homer hanging over the fence and when the cop shined his flashlight on him, as the cop put it 'He looked like a deer in the headlights'. So I explained to the officer that the dog had been barking and Homer was trying to calm him because the dog likes Homer. The officer was pissed because he was shining the light in Homer's face and Homer was putting his hand up to block the light and the cop told him that if he didn't drop his hand, he was going to have to 'put him down'. Thus the cop yelling and Mr. Bad Judgment laughing at the cop.
After giving Homer severe stink eye, and telling the cop how to block the dog door so the dog would be trapped inside the house next door - hell, I wasn't going to get in the middle of the mess and risk getting 'put down' - I grabbed Homer and pushed him into the house - suppressing the urge to tell the cop he was mentally challenged.
Men, I swear! I'm sure they both were justified in their actions... the cop had no idea what kind of a nut he was dealing with... and Homer probably had every right to look surprised by a flashlight in the face, but I don't even want to think about what would have happened if the Princess hadn't sensed that there was a whole bunch of stupid going on outside.
Sunday was my big day. I went shopping for a clothes washer. Woo hoo. I'm only being slightly facetious. The old Kenmore has put in almost 25 years and it just ain't all that it used to be. I've been drooling over the new high efficiency models and I think I have my new laundry partner picked out. I looked at several retailers around town, who were selling basically all the same stuff but it was Leonard at the H'Depot that captured my heart, because he was the only one who mentioned that I would get $150 in rebates from my local utilities. I *heart* Leonard. I am hoping to *heart* LG very soon.
In other exciting Sunday news, Homer made some awesome shrimp fettucine for dinner, so... I may have to keep him for a bit longer.
And today the countdown begins... FIVE days until vacation! And, be jealous because it's a week-long chick-trip!
Happy Monday every buddy!
Monday, September 8, 2008
where nothing stands alone
as the single big brown stain on your day,
but by 5 o'clock you are exhausted
from trying to dodge every little annoyance that gets shot at you?
Like… say for instance, you get bike grease on your white linen pants,
your stapler jams - over an over again,
your husband sends you an irritating email,
your lunch order gets screwed up,
your water bottle jumps from your bike
actual blocks from home…
and springs a leak...
on top of the usual job-related irritations and
when you get home feeling SO hungry
you think you will truly DIE,
you discover that you are one bouillon cube short of dinner.
Yeah, JUST like that!
Well, don’t give up hope, campers.
Because just as you are sitting there,
crumpled in the corner holding your little empty Wyler’s jar
and wishing you were Samantha Stevens
so you could twitch your nose and conjure up a cube or two,
you may get an idea.
You might suddenly remember freezing a container of chicken stock a few weeks back!
And when you madly plow through your freezer,
getting more and more frustrated
because not only can't you find the broth
but you CAN find at least a half dozen single waffles,
37 yellow Italian ices,
some foil wrapped frozen mysteries, and no...
could it be?
Yes it is!
Something that has eluded capture for at least 3 months!
And suddenly chicken stock and dinner and all the day's bad things evaporate.
And when your daughter comes home and sees you sprawled on the floor
in front of the open fridge,
licking a wooden stick,
and she asks how your day was, you will smile and say
Because Jesus sent you a Dove bar.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
I was thinking:
Is it really fair to put the Republican National Convention on hold
because of Hurricane Gustav?
I mean, haven't those people down south suffered enough?
It seems like they should be allowed to miss a couple days
of extreme politicking for all their trouble.