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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

So VERY Hot!

Santa put some new VS cologne in my stocking this year. I guess it's specifically made for middle aged menopausal women because it's called Very Sexy HOT and that I definitely AM. Hot, I mean.

Frankly I don't know if it's the big hormone dive or medication-related or possibly my accelerated cookie consumption but I am currently in the midst of a month-long hot... flash? Can a flash last a month??? I would think it would be more aptly named a hot era or something.

I have taken to using clinical strength antiperspirant on most of my upper torso just to keep The Girlz from being washed down the river of sweat that runs between them. The thermostat is turned down to the point that my scrawny daughters have started wearing down blankets around the house and even Hairy Homer, who might be part yak, is sporting sweats. But you know the saying 'If mama ain't happy....' Yeah, so do they, so they don't argue. Besides, I have threatened to run around buck neck-ed and that's not something anyone wants to imagine... well, except maybe Homer but he's too busy salivating over the lower heating bill. I guess cheap trumps porn in his game.

So I'm wearing more shirts and fewer sweaters, lighter jackets and fewer layers and still
I
AM
HOT.
Which makes me wonder; shouldn't all this hotness be burning a monumental amount of calories??? I was kidding about the cookies... mostly, so I should be about a size 2 by January if this keeps up. Okay, that's like 5 sizes in two days so I don't think it's going to happen. Which seems really unfair.

I guess I should take up back country skiing because I think if were buried in an avalanche I could steam myself out in a matter of minutes. Which also makes me wonder; has any woman ever been saved from hypothermic death by a hot flash?? I'm picturing a middle aged snowmobiling couple who gets lost in the wilderness (because the man wouldn't ask directions) and the rescuers finally reach them and the man is laying stone cold in the snow shelter and the woman is all sitting there in her shirt sleeves wondering how she can bottle 6 below and take it home with her.

Don't even laugh. Global warming isn't near the threat to our polar ice caps that I am right now.
Gad, where is my fan!!

23 comments:

Miss Thystle said...

be glad you don't live a few hundred miles south! It's 70* outside today!

Deb Thaxton said...

I understand you're not supposed to call them Hot Flashes but "Power Surges!"

http://thaxtonfam.blogspot.com/

jill said...

you probably shouldn't join us on our cruise....we're headed south...way south....where it's HOT. =D

Kelly said...

I sit under a ceiling fan whenever I can. Not because I'm at the hot flash phase yet, but because I'm so...voluptuous. That's a good word for chubby, right? ;)

Gina (Mannyed) said...

So sorry to hear about your furnance like temperatures. The Hot Era should end sometime, right?

Btw, did the Yak slip the HOT cologne into your stocking?

Kat said...

My power surge has been lasting a good while now too, just about tired of it. Have air conditioner on now in my office, to hell with the assistant wearing her parka every day! I am woman, hear me ROAR (and watch me sweat...)

meg said...

Not laughing- just smiling gently :-P
You really felted? Wow- I must be a carrier or something ;-)

Noanie said...

OMG - I am so not looking foward to menopause! I'm going to start lobbying my gyno now for HRT!
I do believe you are living in an appropriate state for your state - lol. Sorry, I crack myself up sometimes.
Be cool. Peace

Joisey said...

OMG. No offense, Jane. You're a hair older than me and my hot flash has been lasting MORE than a month. Clinical strength doesn't work for me. You? The girls are slippery when wet. gah.

Lorrie Veasey said...

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGH- OUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question?

Mary Moore said...

Very accurate and FUNNY description of hot flashes. I have also started experiencing them, and they're anything BUT fun.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Wishing you much cooler temps, inside and out! :)

Shana said...

Sorry. I did laugh.
The only time I was ever warm in the winter was when I was pregnant.

gail said...

I've heard them called "short island vacations." I am so relating to you, Jane.

Found the thermostat turned up to 68 yesterday. grrrrrrrrr Who dared?

Himself thinks that if you turn it up to 80 it will warm up faster. No matter how many times I have told him otherwise.

Oh, yeah. This is your site. Thanks for letting me vent - do you think it will get rid of some of my inner "steam?"

Happy New Year! gail

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

Amazingly, you've made me smile, Jane. With everything in my life whirling around like a Giant turd in the toilet of life, I'd say that's something. Hope your New Year celebrations are safe and COOL!

Noanie said...

Best wishes for wonderful things for you and your family in the new year!
Peace

j said...

One hot blog! I like it hot and steamy. Let me know when the coffee is done.
Happy new year Jane. Homer watch your a$$.
j

t i m said...

suddenly i have a mental image

Pat said...

Wish I had an answer for you power surges, Mine into 10 years now!!! Not continued just down to 2 or three a day!! Hopefully your harmones won't rage as long as mine has. Try selling a camper with a paper towel to your neck catching sweat and you know the customer is thinking she's lying , look at her she is sweating bullits!! Anyway, keep the heat down run out in the snow whatever it takes. Happy New Year Jane and thanks for all the wonderful blogs you share. Pat

MizAngie said...

I feel your pain. I was the one with the steam cloud around her as I walked into the office the other morning when the temps were at freezing. No coat. A young football coach told me the other day as we sat through an outside game in December, "You're hot." I remember the olden days when it meant something totally different...{sigh}

Cindy said...

Sleeping at my daughter's Christmas Eve, they worried that I wouldn't be warm enough in the cold basement. I told them ... 'Don't worry my menopause keeps me warm at night.'

Happy New Year, Chica!!

Debbie said...

I feel for you but this was so well written that I had to laugh out loud. Especially at the vision of the girls washing away.

Chris O said...

Ow on the hot flashes. My sister had them for 16 yrs. I had 2. Not 2 yrs, just 2 hot flashes. I'm not even sure they counted or I was just too warm sleeping next to Radiator Man.

Everything just shut off for me after a couple of moody months. No more visits from Aunt Flo, no mood swings, no hot flashes.

I think I'm a nicer person now, I'm just sad my girls aren't as perky as they once were.