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Monday, December 22, 2008

Clearing the cache

I had a somewhat fershit weekend, which I'll get to but first I want to tell you how absolutely lucky I am to have 2 terrific daughters.

For you younger moms who usually read this blog for the 'horrible warning' side more than the 'good example', I will tell you that getting to THIS stage of mothering makes the empty bank account, full calendar and crapped out car totally worth it... I'm still not sure about all those poopy diapers.

Not only did they bake the cookies and decorate the tree but they had fun and they got along and, get this, THEY CLEANED UP! Okay, that's not what makes it worth it but it surely doesn't hurt. No, the bonus is that they are always there with hugs and smiles and lots of love for their dear old mom. I love them and I'm keeping them.

That said, the rest of my weekend was sort of an emotional junkyard - some jewels, mostly trash.

I left work Friday in a raging snowstorm. Since traffic was moving almost backwards, I decided to detour though the surface streets and break up the drive with a few stop and shops. I hadn't been able to get ahold of Homer so I had no idea if there was a dinner plan. I decided to stop at home to pick up a return and then throw myself at the mercy of the mall. Oh, there's Homer. Back from skiing, napping on the couch.

I bought some presents and then stopped off to pick up my glasses, that were being fixed... except they couldn't find them. Yes, they called and said they were ready... yes, they should be there... but weren't. They were nowhere to be found... until I was back home... when they called and asked if I wanted to drive back in the raging snowstorm to pick them up. No thanks. So... it's 7:30. Looks like Homer has gone to bed. Poor guy, I think. Rough day on the slopes. I did some laundry and cleaned up and finally went to bed.

Saturday morning I notice that the noise is worse in my left ear and the pressure seems greater in both. I was two days off of the big steroid bump they gave me to try and... I don't even know what. So I'm cranky because I have a lot that I want to get done - most of which involves public interaction. For some reason, I am a chat magnet. I am often asked for directions, my opinion or help. I realize that being almost 6' makes me a good top shelf picker, but small talk? Really? I don't think I appear all that friendly. Maybe I look like a challenge. Whatever the reason, I'm usually more than willing to oblige... when I can hear. When I can't, I have two choices: pretend that I know what they said and smile, hoping that the conversation is over OR stick my right ear in their personal space and say 'Sorry, what did you say?' which makes me feel like Nelda Nursinghome.

Yeah, I know, get over it Jane.

But I accomplished a lot on Saturday: picked up the elusive glasses, purchased some gifts, finished two scarves I was making - one knit and one crochet (Meg, are you proud?), put together my Christmas centerpiece - Marthaverymuch, and shoveled the driveway... among other things. Homer? Oh, he was a real trooper. He kept that couch from sailing away ALL DAY. He might have risen once when he called me at Target to make sure I remembered the list of recipe items that he gave me a week ago. The same list of things that I suggested he could buy with a little time carved out of his busy schedule of, oh, a ZERO hour work week.

So I said to him 'Okay, then, let me just step out of this REALLY long line and go get your F#&$ing stuff!' Yes, I used the real word and judging from the looks on people's faces, I used it quite loudly. Sorry Target guests.

Oh, and then there was the prescription that I forgot to fill at work and took to the local pharmacy. It was new and I realized it might be more expensive there but... $150!!! Um, no thanks. She tells me it would have been $700 without your insurance. This matters to me... how?

Okay, you can see that I was getting a real butt-nasty mood on without even telling you about how the moronic dipshits parked at the mall. But I brought home the Homer-requested dinner ingredients. Except the peas. I don't do peas. Sorry. So he SAID he would take care of dinner. He was going to make Shepherd's Pie since he found a recipe and we have never in our lives had
Shepherd's Pie. Oh, did ever make it? No. I guess the couch started to jump a little.

By the time I go to bed on Saturday night, I have some serious insight. I'm sometimes clever about piecing things together and it's become pretty plain that he is pissed at me because I can't hear. I realize it's probably not all that clear to you because I have left out most of our recent interaction about how he complains can't talk to me but still he turns away from me and mumbles or yells from the other room. If I ask him to repeat he YELLS in my face. But apparently this is HIS problem. I am making his life difficult and not paying enough attention to his problems. That's why he can't get off the couch. Because I am making his life TOO HARD. This goes hand in hand with his policy of 'if you get mad at me, I'll get madder at you.'

I am probably going through the MOST DIFFICULT thing of my entire life so far, which has happened to coincide with my dad's major health issue and Christmas. But whatev. I realize that life goes on and I am doing what I can. I do not want pity. I cannot for a minute imagine pulling the covers over my head and shifting to poor me mode. I truly think I can handle whatever is sent my way. All I'm asking is for people to temporarily handle their own real or imaginary crises. I can deal with the millions of holiday minutiae but he can't make it to the grocery store?

Yes, I'm angry. BIG angry. There is not a font large enough for my angry.

Oh, and then when I went out to get the paper on Sunday morning I noticed why Homer had parked the SUV off to the side... which he never does because it is a considerate move. It looks like the front bumper has been smashed in. Wonderful. Someone backed into him he thinks.

This morning? It gets even better. I realized that I really can't taste much anymore. And just now I got a call from Omega. The SUV overheated on her way to her friend's last night and she doesn't dare drive it home... and Homer called to see if I can stop and look at it on my way home from work.

So why am I telling you all this? Good question. Mostly because I am on the verge of exploding, which would be a shameful waste of the 5 cookies I just ate. Partly because I need to decide which one of you I can trust with my Blogger password. I'm thinking there might need to be some posts deleted from my blog... should there happen to be a suspicious death in my family in the near future.

Shupe? You're in charge of the shovel.


Diane said...

Oh man. If you're like me, anything I say to try to sound supportive will simply annoy you. So I won't say anything supportive. I'll make a suggestion, though... I have found that going somewhere alone and screaming the F-word (and other choice swear-gems) several times at the top of my lungs sort of helps a little.

I do hope things improve soon. Thinking about you!

Jeankfl said...

Oh,wow.. no wonder you're so mad.. I think a drinking evening is in order.. with someone loud. Like Shupe? LOL Sorry it's rough right now.. got nothin' but supportive crap.. so I'll just go.. I'll swear I've never heard you make any threats, though.. ok?

jill said...

that IS alot to deal with and men are sometimes completely oblivious to life in general. thinking of you.....

and, yes, hubby1 and his sisters and father went to Hawaii - left the spouses at home. i would have chosen to stay home even if i had been invited. i tolerated 20 years of verbal abuse from his dad and decided a couple of years ago that i don't need to be around it.

Gina (Mannyed) said...

well, I'll just pretend I don't know what a blog is if someone from the authories ask if I know anything about a missing Homer. Hell, I'll even tell them I don't know what The Simpsons are. :o)

Miss Thystle said...

There should be a home for unpleasant husbands. Like an orphange except filled with really bitchy men who deserve to be slapped. I can only assume thta it's never been brought to fruition because of the absolute impossiblity of finding staff that will not murder the inmates. But if it DOES ever open, Homer can share a room with my shit head husband. They'd be very happy together. Or not. Who cares? We'd be in Hawaii drinking on the beach.

The Lady in Pearls said...

I know this post was supposed to be all about your fershit weekend - but don't think I didn't miss the whole in your face June! Look how crafty I am! Two scarves & a freakinMartha centerpiece??? One of those scarves better be monogrammed with my initials or I am so giving you up when they start questioning me about the alleged disappearance of your snowbunny husband!

meg said...

OMG! You made something with yarn! I am so proud of you- & I didn't even nag or pressure you :-)
Glad the girls redeemed themselves- sounds like you deserve a break after all the crap.
Be angry all you need- been there, done that, & no felony convictions- you've been handed the Sh!t card & have to work your way thru a new way of living; if the others can't handle it, well, tough cookies, it's not your problem.
Hugs & love, Chica- you know who's in your corner.

Shana said...

MEN !!! Is that why I am single?? Men really do have blinders on and only see what is directly in front of them, about them, and that is it!!

You've got friends in your corner!!!

Noanie said...

Holy crapola Jane!!! Can I fly out there and smack Homer upside the head, cause he is in serious need of some head ringing right about now!!! You are one amazing person and I'm amazed at how much you do and put up with.
Blog, what blog? Who's Jane? My lips are sealed.
Prayers and Peace

Joisey said...

MIsery loves company. Can I come sit next to you?

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I know nothing
I see nothing
I hear nothing......

Anonymous said...

Damn it. My comment got deleted. *sigh* well the jist of it was this: have another cookie and throw the F bomb around in a few more grocery lines! Swearing always takes some of the sting out anything.

I'm glad your girls shaped up and finished those cookies up for you. Sounds like you may just need another batch.

I hope your week passes quickly and finishes better than it started


giggles said...

I'd tell you how to dispose of the body but not on here...I don't wanna go down with ya. Not that I'm not supportive but....well you know... I just can't see me in prison.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for this post! It's cold here and I was feelin' pretty dadgum sorry for myself because I didn't have a man here to do the things that come to my mind when it's cold and/or rainy (or sunny or hot or whatever). [Translation: horny.] And I wished I had a man to fix the front step and a coupla other chores I can't do easily. After reading this blog, though, I think I'll just go buy some new batteries and call the handyman. Seriously, I feel better.

Lorrie Veasey said...

I don't think you can trust me with your blog because I lerves your rants--they make me feel all warm & fuzzy HOWEVER, you can so count on me to be your porn buddy and remove the vibrator from your bedside table in the event of your demise.

PS I got shingles in my ears and totally relate to the hell you are going through: it took the steroids 4 weeks to kick in so I could hear again-so give them time. Plus, if you stay on them that long you'll be pumped enough to lift Homer and the Couch (before throwing them down in a roid rage.)

Thinking good thoughts for you and yours. MERRY CHRISTMAS JANE!

Tracie said...

That's a whole lot of angry! Let it out! Let it out! We're all here for YOU!! To listen, to advise, to help you hide the body, whatever you'reaneed'n we're here!

Noanie said...

Jane, I'm still laughing at your comment on my blog - yep, one very big ocean just an hour away - no one will be the wiser ;-)

Debbie said...

Well, I think I would be more angry than you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. It's good to vent, and we will all listen. I'm thinking wine might be good too! I so hope it all gets better soon.

Domestic Goddess said...

Jane, I'm sorry. I know that Wolf is acting very much like Homer in regards to my CRPS. It seems to be his frustration and helplessness in not being able to 'fix' or 'help' me. Caveman knuckle dragging *grunt*

That being said, he's been told in no uncertain terms, "ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU *expletive deleted"

I get it. And I'm sorry. Its enough to make you run him over with a Zamboni, aint it? (I'm Canadian. Murder By Zamboni is a wife fetish fantasy here :P)

The Gaelic Wife said...

Maybe I'll come back when the storm has cleared.

My new F-words, yes, plural, are Frick and Frak. Add to that Bugger and no one knows what the hell I'm saying.

gail said...


Merry Christmas? Absolutely. Hug those girls right back, eh?

hugs, me

TwiBitch said...

Holy Crap on a Cracker Jane!

Just wondering....does Homer have a brother in Iowa? I've got a bucket of 'gritas in the freezer waitin' fer ya'. Either to celebrate Homer's demise or just to get blasted and fergit all that crap!

Thanks for the chuckles & outright laughter tho'. Believe me, we're ot laughing at you, we're laughing with you 'cuz we've all had the same kind of crap on a cracker at least once!

Hope the rest of your week smooths out and that your holiday is much brighter than what has just passed. Remember, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger...OR kills Homer instead! :)

TwiBitch said...

Holy Crap on a Cracker Jane!

Just wondering....does Homer have a brother in Iowa? I think he does....his name is David. But listen, I've got a bucket of 'gritas in the freezer waitin' fer ya'. Either to celebrate Homer's demise or just to get blasted and fergit all his crap!

Thanks for the chuckles & outright laughter tho'. Believe me, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you 'cuz we've all had the same kind of crap on a cracker at least once!

Hope the rest of your week smoothes out and that your holiday is much brighter than what has just passed. Remember, that which does not kill us, makes us stronger...OR kills Homer instead! :)

Give those girls some big hugs, they deserve it! Maybe Dad should take some lessons from them!

TwiBitch said...

Now I see why my brother loves to go there! He's in San Francisco so much closer than I am. Looks like you gals had a wonderful trip! I'm sooo jealous!

TwiBitch said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you & yours! Hope you have a wonderful day!

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

flooz said...

So sorry about the ear thing! (I hope that's not coming across as being supportive--I hope it helps that I can offer no remedies). I've followed you here from the ruined MSN spaces and have leaped into your group of followers because I MISS the ones I used to follow (yours included) so much and know of no other way to locate their new blogs. I am eons older than you--and always have the experiences you describe with sales people. I was in need of a bra--mentioned that my favorites had been the "cross-your-heart" types and did they have anything similar among their $60-$80 stock (I know, I'm really getting desperate to consider paying those prices). The girl looked at me blankly, saying "cross your heart? What does that mean?" I walked away without spending $60-$80--I'm thinking of getting a big role of ace bandage to use until I find something more suitable.