I love these people!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Why they keep the sharp things under a watchful eye in the 'tool corral'

Last night's trip to the Ho'Depot:

Jane wants just one bucket of joint compound so she can finish her drywalling duties. Homer tags along to 'show her a few things.'

Homer: These are the switchplates that I like. What do you think?

Jane: I don't think they're the look we're going for. What about these?

Homer: Well... yeah.... or....

This is where Homer spies something on Jane's face, then actually licks his thumb and tries to wipe it off!! Like a Grandma in church!!!

Jane wraps her scarf around her face and apologizes to the gentleman over by the switches, whose ears appear to be inflamed from her colorful language. Jane wonders when he snuck into the aisle.

Homer picks out 3 or 4 different switchplates and appears ready to launch into a protracted speech on the virtues of each one. Jane walks off in a daze.

Homer catches up and detours her through the tile aisle. Twenty minutes and 7 opened boxes later, they have 3 travertine tiles that 'match' to Homer's standards.

Jane: Dude! Quit arranging yourself. You are in public.

Homer: It's just guys, they have nuts, too.

Jane: I swear, you need to get out more.... or maybe not at all.

Too much more time spent picking out 13 exactly right tile trim pieces.

On to the wood trim section. A half hour of Jane's life dissolves as she smiles, nods and encourages Homer to actually place the wood pieces IN the cart, signifying that they are indeed the chosen ones, and thus ending the perusal of every square inch of each ten foot long board.

Did you even realize how precarious the balance is between not enough knots to be interesting and too knotty to be structurally sound? No? Like Jane, you would probably wish those wood pieces were sharp enough to drive through ones own heart.

Jane slips off and picks out a new toilet seat - in approximately 30 seconds.

Still the wood debate marches on. Homer has removed every trim piece from the rack, totally blocking the aisle. Jane pretends not to know the strange guy who has dismantled the entire knotty alder display and skips right on by to pick up her drywall goop.

Eventually Homer moves on to the vent covers.

Frankly, Jane isn't even sure if they actually bought any vent covers because this is when her head started spinning and her eyes glazed over and she lost all interest in 'The Project'.

Which is good because by the time Jane and Homer arrived home it was too late for Jane to start anything.
Except a large bottle of tequila.

Yes, Lizspin, Homer IS an engineer. However did you know???


Diane said...

And yet again, I'm happy my husband is now someone else's issue.

My mother used to do the 'lick and wipe'. God, I hated that. I used to tell her it was the equivalent of spitting on your child's face.
Disgusting. I've never done it, either. Yeah, my kid has gone places with a dirty face. I. Don't. Care. I refuse to spit on her.

lizspin said...

Oh Jane! I think we were separated at birth! Or maybe our engineer husbands were!!!

At last I have found someone who now understands why I didn't want to renovate my kitchen. . . (Think,appliance shopping for starters!!!)

So mine's electrical. . . what's yours???? Mechanical? Chemical? Civil???

Nadine Hightower said...

It's totally a man thing.
Roy does the same damn thing! From the lickin' the ick on my face to the pickin' of the perfect piece of wood.
But never at any time in the 17 years that I have known him has he ever made an adjustment of Elvis in Public.... or the back up band.
It goes totally against his grain.

g said...

I commented on your morning after blog before catching up with the rest, J.

Himself is not a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Always wished he was but am now rethinking that......

Have a great weekend! hugs, g

Anonymous said...

LOL The Ho Depot is one of our favorite places to hang. Except my oldest daughter - the one you met. Apparently she thinks it's COMPLETELY unfair that she's too big any more to sit in the 'car cart' with the other two. Ho Depot swiftly earned shit list status in her book :)

My husband re-arranges himself in public too. What is this about? So far I just pretend not to see him do it.

My husband insists that my children spit on his finger then he wipes off their faces with their own spit. HOW is this better!?? LOL :)

Deb Thaxton said...

I always grab one of the decorating magazines from the front of Home Depot to read in the "boring aisles" so I don't hit my husband with a blunt object because he takes so long.


Laoch of Chicago said...

I truly fear The Home Depot!

Noanie said...

Oh Jane, why did you ever let Homer out of the house?!? And seriously, he liked and wiped your face? I'm surprised he wasn't singing soprano after that!
Good luck with that project, I think you're going to need another bottle or two of tequilla!

Noanie said...

That should have been licked and wiped - whoops!

BBB said...

Hehehehehe!! I laughed myself silly reading this!! I can so clearly picture these scenes between you and Homer. And...what is it with guys and their junk?? We were in Wally World last night and there was a kid about 8 years old just going at his arranging. His Dad was totally oblivious. Sheesh!

Here's hoping you are getting some of those projects done this weekend.

Soxy Deb said...

Um...excuse me? You had tequila and didn't invite me. Cause that's all I got out of that whole story - you had tequila...

Debbie said...

I am so relieved that this post had a happy ending.

Kelly said...

Husbands are so weird...

Shupe said...

Oh the memories of being married!!!
At least he hasn't adjusted himself in front of me- you know me- I'd say something that would probably make him cry!!!

I could have helped you out with that you know-

Joisey said...

Same thing only at Target. I'm not going there, am I?

Joisey said...

Switch plates my ass............

Suldog said...

Funny (but too true) stuff. Both MY WIFE and I are the type to go to Depot and be picayune over things, but opposite things. She will fret over colors; I over sizes.

And the "lick and wipe"? My Mom. In church. Every Sunday. Somehow I managed to get something onto my face before mass, every week. And, every week, the dreaded spit and wipe.

Lisa said...

I always love reading your posts! We have so much in common! This is so typical!

Gina (Mannyed) said...

My eyes glaze over the minute I step foot into Home Desperate. There is just way too much stuff going in that wharehouse of horrors.

Sheri and George said...

Next time drink the Tequila before taking Homer to Ho Depot and you won't care what he does. That's what I do before taking my hubbs out.

Miss Thystle said...

OMG, I was just about to ask about if Homer is an engineer, because that is EXACTLY how my dad does a project. After weeks of planning and possibly a printed and annotated time table for it's completion. Possibly involving diagrams and a lecture of some sort about the intricacies of something....

binks said...

My engineer husband does exactly the same thing (except for the spit thing, because, WTF is up with THAT)
I think he just likes to spend an hour debating the virtues of each piece of crown moulding so that I will just relent and he can get his way.
Whenever he rearranges in public, I remind him (loudly) that they have creams for that and embarrass the crap out of him. He may learn eventually.

Anonymous said...

I love naughty pine (yes I know how it's SUPPOSED to be spelled) for the name sake. Didn't know there was naughty alder too; how fun that must be. The pine has a buddy!

P.S. - Yeah, I jumped ship, but I'm still around...lurking in the shadows.