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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Jane's Lost It!

You probably already knew that. I guess I did, too, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Nowadays there isn’t much ELSE to talk about. I don’t know if it is age, or hormones, or STRESS or all of the above but some days I wonder if I should be allowed to leave the house unescorted. Oh wait! I’m the parent with a job. And benefits. I have to leave the house. And this morning, leave I did, wearing my slippers. True, they matched my pants beautifully, but it wasn’t the look I was going for. Although.... a day in slippers coulda sucked much of the cranky out of me.

I have also been known to try on two different shoes and get distracted before deciding which one I liked best. The body is an amazingly adaptable thing. I know this because after roughly two minutes, my feet quit sending signals to my brain indicating that there is something amiss, and walking with two completely different heel heights becomes as natural as showering naked.


Which maybe isn’t all that natural to me because I have been known to step into the shower in my underwear.

Speaking of underwear, I was organizing my delicates drawer the other day and I found a pair of red panties – in exactly my size – which I have never seen before. The brand is Ashley-something which is not one of ‘my’ brands. I tried them on and I really like them. I would remember if I had purchased them because I would have wanted more. The worst part? This is the second time this has happened. How does one acquire strange underwear?? No, I don’t think Homer is playing hide the salami with someone else while I’m at work… these aren’t that kind of underwear. And they aren’t his size, either, if THAT’S the way your mind is rolling.


And there was the vacuum. I vacuumed the entire living room the other day. I know! What a concept! Except that I had this odd feeling that it was moving across the carpet too easily. I’m just that in tune with my Dirt*Devil. I wondered if the beater bar was moving. Check. Hmmm. It seemed to be picking up the obvious litter. Around the time that I finished the room, I checked the dirt cup. I’m kind of masochistic that way – I like to see all the crud that was sucked up. It makes me feel accomplished. Only I couldn’t see it because THE DIRT CUP WAS STILL BY THE BACK DOOR. Where I left it after I emptied it. Now, it’s called a dirt ‘cup’ but it’s actually about half of my vacuum, which looks something like this:





See how big that sucker is? You would think I would notice something like that.





By the time I got home last night, the rug and floor in the laundry room had dried enough to vacuum up all the feathers from the exploding pillow escapade. I was also looking forward to giving the laundry room a good cleaning (sick, I know, but wait) in hopes of finding the eyeglasses I lost the night of the antenna fiasco. They are my best nerd glasses and I feel totally smarter when I wear them, but we became separated somewhere between the time I got home from work and the start of the football game. I kept thinking they would show up but they haven’t and now my recollection of my actions that night has dimmed to the point that I only remember that I was awake. I think.


And no, they are NOT on top of my head. But they probably were just before I lost them.


Which brings us to this morning. We were running a bit late due to the slipper episode so I drove Alpha’s rig with the intention of dropping her on the other side of campus so she could get to her class early enough to get a seat since it was standing room only yesterday. Only I got distracted and made a wrong turn. And then missed the turn that would have fixed the problem. So I tried to make a U-turn but missed the light. And then hit the roundabout just in time for the train arms to come down. And at the next red light I was behind a dummy who was going straight from the right turn lane. Yes,I wanted to turn right.


Alpha was so sweet the entire time. She kept saying things like ‘Well, I still have 10 minutes.’ And ‘Oh, there are always more people on the first day – and then you never see them again.’ And finally my personal favorite ‘Sitting during class is for lazy people’.


But I did get her there a few minutes early. And I made it to work without incident, which I wouldn’t be able to say if I had actually hit that pedestrian that came out of nowhere and crossed in front of my car while I was looking the other way.


I TOLD you I shouldn’t leave the house.

24 comments:

Cindy said...

Good morning Jane...I enjoyed that..sorry but I did.

Debbie said...

What a great post and kudos to Alpha for being such a trooper. Love the dirt cup story. This whole thing rocked.

Comedy Goddess said...

And some how through all that, you keep it together for everyone! You are a role model. And funny!

jill said...

those purple platforms ROCK!!!!!

Tracie said...

OMG!! Are you by any chance adopted? Cuz i'm thinking we could SO be sisters!! Did you check the roof for your glasses? And if you find them, could you look for Boo's dance bag cuz it's missing and we can't seem to find it from it's hiding place that hubby put it before Christmas!

meg said...

Now, I must admit I find the strange red chonies slightly disturbing, but you won't hear a single word from me about lost glasses; I emptied my purse, knitting bag, & tore apart the car in search of my sunglasses...turns out I was wearing them already :-S

Gina (Mannyed) said...

They have to let you out! If they didn't I wouldn't be able to laugh so hard! : ) It only gets better from here, right?

Mary Moore said...

Wow, I am so glad you wrote this. You and I need to meet!

I've also worn two different boots, and I didn't notice at all...besides doing almost everything else on your list.

That was hilarious.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Well, there may be perfect people out there, but they either do not have children or they are deadly boring. :)

liz said...

Where did those panties come from???

Maybe they "hatched" in your drawer.
If you find a pair in the vacuum cleaner next, watch out!!!

Sheri and George said...

We are so related! I once wore two different boots and they had different size heels on them so I walked with a noticable limp! I wear different colored socks all the time.
I have never found strange underwear in my drawer tho. maybe that's hubbs way of telling you he wants you to try something new???
I am constantly losing things to so if you manage to find your glasses.maybe some of my stuff will be there too.
Let me know will you?

Lorrie Veasey said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think YOU'RE absentminded? I just recently lost my best pair of red underwear.

Laoch of Chicago said...

Some days really require a do over

Soxy Deb said...

I have the same vaccuum. How the hell did you NOT notice the cup was missing? Everything else, I can handle. Actually the other things seem kind of normal to a peri-menopausal woman.
But that?! Well that's just weird.

A Woman Of No Importance said...

I've been known to go into work with blouses inside out, because I've got dressed in the dark... And I've taken off my specs to clean them while driving, because I thought I had my contacts in, and I'm as blind as a bat!

Bless you! (Are you also blonde?)

Shanna said...

Sitting in class is for lazy people. LOL. What a kid! Well...as for your seemingly absent minded blunders...maybe it's just a sign that the winter is too long and you need a vacation!

MizAngie said...

Well, once you said you lost the glasses then I totally understood why you didn't notice the thing missing off the vacuum cleaner. Poor Alpha...watching her mother unravel before her very eyes...hahaha!

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

Oh Jane. Slippers. I once left the house with my shirt buttoned INSIDE out (yes, i said buttoned) and my pants unzipped. Twas a lovely day at Walmart, let me assure you. And yes, My fellow walmartians allowed me to walk around on the salesfloor like that until a customer finally clued me in. See why I quit???

Kelly said...

Now I won't feel so bad when the same things happen to me...I'm not the only one anymore lol. We should start a support group.

Shupe said...

And you wonder why you and I get along so well!
Odd that you come up with missing things, because your house is SPOTLESS!!
You need to have organized clutter like mine!
Oh, I **wink wink** have a special relationship with the vacume too! It get's it's monthly scoop out the fur from the cats in every nook and cranny once a month- or nothing is sucked up !

Now give me back my panties!

Paige said...

oh Jane, I think you and I must be sisters. I have done virtually every one of those things.

Just this very nite, I decided to give my big dogs a shower. They are so big that they do not fit in bath tubs. I was wearing underwear and a polo shirt--which is only noteworthy because I am usually nekkid at home. I got both dogs washed, which requires me to hold them by the collar in the big shower, and then get in the shower with them

Only after I was done did I realize that there was not actually any good reason to wear clothes in the shower.

Shana said...

Alpha is sure a great kid.
I think you need a vacation... or at least a spa day.

g said...

Could the glasses be in the gutter? Oy.

If my daughter didn't tell me I would have left for work with my slippers on all the time years ago.

Alpha is a doll.

You are an asset to society no matter what your foibles. You just have a lot on your mind, J!

Diane said...

I don't know how I missed this post yesterday... glad I managed to see it today. Girl, you need a vacation!!! A LONG ONE. Possibly by yourself. On a beach. With alcohol. And a gorgeous, muscular masseuse to rub you all over for hours on end. Ummmm... wait... that's what I need... but you can come along if you'd like!