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Friday, April 11, 2008

Rhymes with Nifty

One day very soon I will have a birthday. Like it or not, I will turn thirty-nine eleven. Please do the math quietly in your head... and don't even bother using your fingers and toes because you will run out... unless you are some kind of freak.

I wonder why the years ending in zero seem so traumatic. I suppose it’s the same concept that makes you think $20 is so much more than $19.95. I mean if someone asked you how much you paid, you would say twenty dollars… so you do KNOW it’s really twenty dollars… but there is something less traumatic about $19.95, isn’t there? If this wasn’t some sort of brain glitch that affects us all, there wouldn’t be so many 9’s in car prices.

Do NOT, however, expect me to say that I am 50 when I am only 49.99.

I'm having much inner conflict over this birthday. It feels like I'm being offered a (big) piece of cheesecake. Do I accept it and love every bite despite the 499 calories and the full square inch of fat that will go straight to my left buttock? OR do I politely refuse and wallow in that warm self-righteous feeling that comes with just saying NO!? At least I imagine it would feel good to say no... okay, cheesecake isn't a good example.

Even though I can’t technically refuse to turn 50, I can choose to ignore the whole thing and move to the state of denial. Since my shrink assures me there is only swampland available there, I am going to examine this from a semi-neutral perspective and tally up the pros and cons. Feel free to join in.

The good:
It’ll be behind me. No more traumatic zero birthdays for 10 more years.
It’s still a birthday so there should be cake. And presents!
I think policemen are less likely to search you for drugs if they pull you over, which could be a downside if the officer is all young and buff and… have you ever wondered why their pants are so tight?
The bad:
It bumps me up to the ‘mature skin’ category of facial products. Doesn’t that just smack of crowsfeet and jowls??
I’m destined for glasses soon… probably the bifocal variety since my arms are getting too short.
OMG - the colonoscopy! Not that the IRS doesn’t do this every year…
The ambiguous:
AARP membership… There ARE the hotel discounts but on the flipside, it pretty much says that shopping for elastic-waist pants and gray shoes is right around the corner.
That all sounds kind of shallow, huh? Yeah, well, it’s the kind of thing that swoops through my head when the brain door gets left open.

Y'know I really don’t worry about getting old because I fear dying as much as I worry about getting too old to be bothered with. Oh, wow, I think what I fear most is being boring. To others as much as to myself. Huh, wow, that explains so much! I think I just saved myself a bunch of money on therapy.

You know what I am going to do to celebrate? I am going to try and torch that 'dormant' tree. Assuming it burns and all, I think it might make kind of a fun little personal epiphany fire. If you like I can videotape it and share it right here! Assuming the camera doesn't 'malfunction' again... and assuming I am not too nertarded to put a video on my B-Spot. Well, that's enough assumptions for one day.

Hope you all have an X-cellant weeeeeeeeeeekendddddddd!

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