I love these people!

Monday, November 10, 2008

I think you will congratulate me for not killing him

As if I needed further proof that I should not let Homer plan a remodel on our house, I give you a recent example of a simple home repair:

In this example, we need a new handle for our back storm door.
Jane's thinking it should go something like this:

  • Remove handle.
  • Throw in pocket.
  • Motor to the H'Depot.
  • Pick out best match for a reasonable price as long as it has the lever feature that makes entry so much easier when hands are full of groceries.
  • Buy it.
  • Take it home.
  • Install it.
Estimated time: 1-2 hours
Estimated cost: $25

The reality of Homer doing it:
  • Remove handle on Saturday. Leave inside part on the counter, take outside part to Lowe's... in wife's car.
  • Browse handle sets... and rotisseries for grill, but buy nothing.

  • Leave storm door handle-less, forcing the family to pull carefully at the deadbolt to gain entrance.

  • On Sunday, trip over to a few home centers and bring home... a rotisserie.

  • On Monday leave handle in car, which goes off to the high school for the day.

  • Assemble rotisserie. When handle comes home, ride bike to H'Depot and buy FIVE different lock sets - 3 different colors and 3 different styles.

  • Show wife the 5 options that have been purchased.

  • When wife states that her only request is that it be the lever style, try to talk her into some weird-ass type that lifts up!

  • When wife states that either brass or white would be acceptable colors as long as it is the lever style, show her the weird-ass handle again and pretend you didn't hear her.

  • When wife starts building the road map of pressure filled veins on her forehead, note how it reminds you of Cincinnati and tell her about your planned trip back to Lowe's the next day to purchase some other available options.

  • When wife states that she would definitely like a BRASS set WITH A LEVER and will accept NOTHING ELSE (because there is one right in front of her), suggest that she consider black because it would match the slate floor that you would like to put down in the ADDITION.

  • Mumble something else about a slate-topped table and making a man-space as wife retreats to bedroom... and locks the door.

  • Leave all five options on the kitchen counter so wife gets a good look at them.

  • Tuesday do nothing.

  • On Wednesday, decide to save ass and go with the only lever style handle that you've purchased... except discover that footprint is different and will require touch up paint. Apply touch up paint. Meanwhile, temperatures have dropped to glove weather, adding a new challenge level to the game of gaining entry.

  • Thursday... scrape off crappy looking touch up paint and try again.

  • On Friday go skiing.

  • Saturday - give up making paint patch look good. Delegate to wife. Note what good job she does with the paint and wash hands of project. When wife swears out loud about the new lockset not even fitting... AT ALL, after all that rigamarol... argue with her. Tell her she is wrong and when it becomes obvious that SHE IS NOT, change the subject... to the remodel.

  • When you tell wife that you bought every available handle type and the one she wants is NOT available anywhere, change your story AFTER she breaks the seal on her second choice, consolation, weird-ass handle and tell her that you never actually went back to Lowe's.

  • Mention how nice the installed NON-lever handle looks. Make note to sleep with one eye open, lest the old handle find a new dark, uncomfortable home.
Actual time: 1 week+
Actual cost: Currently $100+ pending return of 4 locksets which may or may not happen before divorce is final.
BTW- Does anyone know why the bullets and numbers don't show up on the published posts even though they are quite clearly there when you write it?


Tracie said...

I can SO relate! I'm thinking a pillow over the face would solve the problem! LOL

jill said...

you are not alone.....

when i have more than a few seconds, i'll take a picture of my entry way tile job that was started in 2005.

Miss Thystle said...

and to add to Jill's consolation, I'll take a picture of my formerly textured now scrapped and unpainted ceiling that is going on year 5.

Debbie said...

For your remodel, one word of advice - contractor!
That husband of yours is lucky you didn't install one of those handles somewhere else. This would be so funny if it weren't true and if we had not all experienced similar stories.

Shana said...

Oh. My. God.

That is all I have to say. Besides 'sorry'

Angie Ledbetter said...

Loved this. Could our husbands be related...other than in the doofus way most men are? I had ungrouted tile in my last kitchen for 14 (count 'em) 14 years! We remodeled that house for the 16 years we were there. Never again.

I think I'd have just gone on strike from buying groceries until the CORRECT handle was installed. :) Maybe we should do a collective Husbandry for Dummies book?

Kat said...

One week and you're bitching? I have lived WITH CONCRETE FLOORS FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS in my bedroom - pfft!

Don't understand the bullet thing either, you figure it out you let me know...

Cindy said...

I'll bet we could form a decent lynch mob ...

at the very least tarring and feathering.

Anonymous said...

Oh lordy lordy lordy...I feel your pain. Seriously nothing is ever simple with men, I swear. UGH!

The bullets thing. Hm. You used WLW right? Did you edit the post in Blogger after you published with WLW?

Yes? Blogger is lame - repost with WLW.

No? Not sure unless you copy/pasted something within the body of the post that had hidden html code somewhere.

Good luck with Homer! ;)

Anonymous said...

Two more things because I know you love your comments! ;)
1. I love PA in your profile pic - it's a cute one of her!
2. No, I don't THINK scorpions fall from our ceilings LOL...The Man guesses that it somehow got into our wall - from where, I don't know.

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhh well, since you use Blogger to post it's SO not lame...*cough/blush* oops

Well, ok I'm honestly not sure why it would leave bullets out of the final post. Maybe it's just a Blogger hiccup?

Now, because I'm a spaz like that, I'm going to run a test post through Blogger with bullets and see what happens...

meg said...

Congratulations on avoiding jail time or divorce for the time being, & I'm with Debbie- Homer is lucky he doesn't have one of his choices permanently installed on his person :-D

Anonymous said...

Are you ready to strangle me and my comments yet? (You can delete them if you want)


I ran a test and they worked for me. I tried text THEN adding bullets/numbers and also tried adding bullets/numbers THEN adding text. Both ways worked. Probably just a hiccup. Maybe go in and edit your post if it bugs you (it would bug me too)

Anonymous said...

Um, er, what is that below the door knob? Holes? Hmm...my man always calls in someone to do any work around here. Maybe I shouldn't be so upset that he doesn't do projects....

You commented just before I published my new post! What timing, eh? I hope your mood has improved and belated happy bd to Alpha!


Diane said...

There are days when I'm so happy to be divorced.

OK, yeah, I'm happy to be divorced every day.

Not that I'm advocating.

Just sayin' ;)

And Shanna... Dude... shut up! ;)

Domestic Goddess said...

Wolf would have woken up with a handle somewhere. Promise.

We went through something similar...Wolf talks about how bad he needs this drill, "Honey, I'll fix the screen door! I HAVE to have a drill for that!" I give in.

3 months later, he attempts to fix screen door.

He breaks screen door worse. I ask innocent questions, such as..."Didn't you take the whole handle off to realign it? Oh. You didn't. Just the inside handle, then drilled...Ok. I'm going to drink now..."

Nadine Hightower said...


I can relate...having been in Home dpt, atwod's, sutherlnd's and lwe's all multiple time in the last fews days.

And....that is very lovely pix of your daughter.

Heinous said...

Bwahaha...that's great. Well, it's a great story, but not so great for opening your door.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

But I do think you might have gotten off with justifiable homicide.....

Paige said...

This is DEAD ON the sort of thing that happens in my house.

I once had to discuss with the husband the wisdom of leaving a drill bit in the hole he drilled while installing stall boards in the barn...he said he would know where to find it that way. Uh huh

MizAngie said...

You couldn't use bullets because you talked about killing Homer. You cannot have "bullets" and "killing" together. What blogger needs to understand is that bullets don't kill, LOCKS kill. As in the wrong locks purchased by Homer and which drove you to kill. We can only assume that blogger is not a supporter of the NRA, another reason to run out and buy lots of guns and bullets since that privilege, according to the far right, will disappear any day now because of who was elected president. I'm sorry. I'm having difficulty staying on subject. Ha!

Lena Wayback said...

OMG, roadmap of blood pumping veins resembling Cincinnati. Priceless!

Poor Homer.

sleepdeprivedmomma said...

Funny, my Hubby never does stuff like that. He does different stuff but nothing that resembles fixing anything that needs it. For instance, building the crib (with a drill) at 1AM while I TRIED to sleep during one of Younger's 1-week-old sleeping periods. Then realizing as he bumped and banged it down the hall that it wouldn't fit into the bedroom door fully assembled. When I stormed into the kitchen (as he was UNDRILLING the damn thing) and threatened to light him and the crib on fire (I may have actually had lighter fluid and a match in my hand) he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. I mean . . . he was doing it for me!!!!

If it weren't for the fact that they were connected to their penis, I think 98% of all men would be COMPLETELY useless. (at least 2% must be good for something . . . as exceptions to the rule, you know).

Mkay, off to catch up. Later Jane!!!

MaDukes said...

I hear you Jane -- is there a specific school some men go to, to learn this behavior?
We need a new railing on our back step per order of the insurance company by November 15. Saturday was the trip to Home Depot to get the materials. Today is Tuesday...materials in garage, husband decided wrought iron would be better. Waiting for friend to get a deal on the railing. November 15 coming up quickly. Seems to me that if the insurance company knew my husband they would have given us an extra year. Especially considering the steps were build in the Spring, the old railing tossed, and he's been planning the new railing since then. Key word - planning.
How do we survive?

Noanie said...

I say let him build the addition and then LOCK him into it!!!!

Just Plain Joy said...

OMG! Great story! My husband tried to use the vacuum cleaner with the attachments this weekend (at least he tried)...when I went to use it today I found the WRONG side of the hose sticking out of the vacuum, and he put one attachment OVER the other...I don't know if he ever got it to work...how do we survive!?!?

hope you'll check out my blog at http://www.JustPlainJoy.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

From the sounds of this story...YOU CAN'T HANDLE BULLETS right now; leave the gun empty to scare the hell out of him


Prize-less hope fiend