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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Taxed to the limit

Aah, it's April 18th. A beautiful day! The sun is shining. The birds are singing… okaynotreally.
The sun may be shining on the backside of the clouds and the wind has probably blown the birds half way to Kansas. But since I try to stay positive and my back is actually to the windowed wall of my office, I can pretend. Not so different from hallucinating, I imagine.
I am tired and a wee bit cranky today. I was up WAY past my bedtime last night, but I will not get sucked into poor-me mode. I am, instead, going to enumerate my thanks for so very many aspects of yesterday.
First of all, thank you IRS for only having ONE tax day per year. I bet the sadistic urge to shift to a semi-annual system is overwhelming at times.
Thank you to my husband for finally looking over the tax forms I printed days ago at 8 o’clock last night and for not being able to come up with that receipt for the $5 charitable contribution you made to Mothers Against Men with Bad Abs (M.A.M.B.A.) which would have required me to screw with the TurboTax and reprint the forms. Again. And recalculate the entire state form. Yet again.
Thanks to Workforce Services for kindly providing ONE copy of a withholding statement even though I am required to send in 2 and presumably keep one for my records. They always want you to keep one for your records.
Thank you to my sweet daughter who stood before me at 9pm with her W-2 in hand asking what needed to be done with it.
Thank you to the IRS for making extension forms available online.
Thank you to whomever…. removed.... Acrobat from the family computer (they never open pdf’s?). WTF?
Thanks to Adobe for providing me with a TWENTY minute download of Acrobat 8 and various opportunities to upgrade to a bigger, smarter, more sexy Acrobat.
Thank you to my former favorite television station for having a cutesy remote broadcast from the main post office showing ‘the guy in the Lexus dropping off his taxes at the last minute’. Woo hoo! It was so kind of you to mention that only a few post offices around this metropolis were open until midnight. And then… not bothering… to tell us… which ones…….?? Or how to find this out.
Thank you to my online newspaper for responding to my search for all variations of the words post office, open, late, tax day…….. I found the article telling me to prune my apple trees to be very helpful. Do it now, it says, before the flowers OPEN. Guess what? Too LATE!
Thank you to my husband’s company, whose truck was parked behind my car at 11 pm last night when I set out with my finally completed tax forms in search of a post office that was… OPEN LATE. Since I had no patience to shuffle vehicles, I drove their truck and felt very tough with my payload of three pieces of IRS mail.
Thank you to my grocery store for not having TWO pimply, high school boys with shitty attitudes whine to me about how much trouble it would be to make two copies of that hateful form for me.
Thank you God for giving me the facial resources to project a very good ‘don’t make me call your mother’ look.
Thank you to the US Postal Service for switching up the post offices that are open late. If you had left them the same as last year, I would not have been able to drive aimlessly around the city looking for the Main Post Office.
Thank you to my husband (again) for leaving a hard hat on the seat of his truck. I felt quite powerful cruising in my Mickey Mouse pajama pants and fluffy slippers, wearing a hardhat and driving a big truck. The hardhat may also have reduced the damage inflicted by the man-flashlight, also found on the seat, which I used to beat myself about the head as I realized I had no cell phone, not much gas and no address for the post office as I was driving around the ghetto part of town. Yay me!
Yes, thank you me, for finally spying the massive 10-acre postal facility, popping a u-turn on a busy street, weaseling my way into the long line of equally-desperate tax outlaws and FINALLY depositing the envelopes IN the bin. BEFORE midnight… in my jammies… in a hardhat… in (not) my Toyota truck…. OH WHAT A FEELING!
Oh, and thanks to all of you who DON’T suggest that I finish up this little tax project before the deadline next year. That is NOT the way I roll, THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

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