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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Curry in a Real Hurry

Have you ever had one of those times when you walk into the restroom at work or some other public place and it is completely empty.... except for a big, brown cloud of toxic gas that fills the air? The REALLY bad kind. Like the all caps, bolded, italicized, nose-frying, eye-singeing kind of bad.

Unfortunately you lingered too long before answering nature's call to switch ladies rooms because word has already reached your bladder that recess time is imminent! Like immediately imminent!


You are left with no choice but to hold your breath, whip down your pants and relay the need for efficiency to your pottying parts. Predictably, your ureter immediately clamps down to the width of a mosquito knee so that you pee at about 440 psi, therefore eliminating all hope of cutting the process short even as you start to see stars from lack of oxygen.


Not wanting to pass out and be found face down on the filthy floor, bad side up, sans pants, you resume breathing just before your eyes start to roll back in your head and now you are inhaling the nauseating smell which is making your lunch bubble up a bit in the back of your throat. Thinking that you will never again be able to eat Indian food, you continue your business and try to focus on not throwing up by contemplating what the Bathroom Bomber could have possibly eaten to cause such an epic stench.

You are red-faced, sweating and looking quite miserable with runny mascara and pants that probably aren't properly fastened when you finally blast out the bathroom door.... only to run into someone that you don't know quite well enough to point into the room and gasp "OMG, that was SO not me!"


And so you imagine that the person proceeds into the restroom, is assaulted by the odor, recalls your disheveled appearance and the chicken vindaloo she saw you nuking earlier in the break room and thinks 'I will never, EVER eat Indian Food again!'

18 comments:

Noanie said...

OMG! I can thankfully say that the very skinny bitches that work at my office don't eat anything so offensive as to leave a cloud of stench. That'a probably because they don't eat!!!
I'm very happy that when I use the facilities in the morning, no one else is in the building and I leave the room smelling as fresh as when I entered it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Peace

Diane said...

Yup. Been there. More times than I can count. The worst part? I NEVER poop in public restrooms... NEVER. But I always get caught coming out, so the person going in THINKS it was me. And it's one of those, 'methinks thou doth protest too much' things, isn't it? Pisses me off.

Shana said...

Ha !!

Sweet smelling spray in your purse is always a good idea.

J'Ollie Primitives said...

My sis used to duck into the warehouse behind the store she worked in to ummm errr expel a few noxious fumes of her own. Until they rolled the security tape and SOUND on her~~busted!

Domestic Goddess said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I am DYING here. Tazzie came a running to find out why Mommy was howling. I can sooooo picture the whole unfortunate event. More so because I've lived it, time and again, or witnessed it second hand, if Diva has had the misfortune to stumble into the bathroom too quickly after Wolf. I have NO IDEA what is wrong with that man's processing unit, because he eats the same as the rest of us...but dear heavens...yeah, 'nuff said. I've taken to duct taping a can of Febreeze to the outside doortrim of the bathroom door. It aint classy, but it works. I'd rather be able to BREATHE than look purty. Besides, we never have company anyways :oP

Tracie said...

That is so funny! Really who can't relate with that!

Laoch of Chicago said...

Maybe yogurt for lunch tomorrow?

Sheri and George said...

I so know where you are coming from here. This has happened to me on mor than one ocassion! We have the worst bathrooms where I work and I try to avoid them as much as possible.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL! The only thing worse than peeing in a curry induced fog is sitting on the potty next to an old lady who can't stop farting!

lizspin said...

Yeah, I've been there. . . and I'm never eating Indian Food again!

Debbie said...

I hate it when the bathroom stinks when I get in there and then I worry that someone will think I did it. I'm glad to know other people worry about that too!

Adlibby said...

While scarring for you... that's hilarious for the rest of us! I still remember the restroom at my gradeschool (30+ years later) because there was a very large 6th grade teacher who was infamous for her foot-longs. Those babies wouldn't flush!

Shanna said...

LOL nasty!!

thanks for stopping over and dropping the cricket hint! ;)

Lorrie Veasey said...

I WAS going to enjoy this container of curry whilst i purused some of my favorite blog posts.

Damn. It will be peanut butter & jelly for me again. I have to remember to Eat first, Read Later.

R U Serious?? said...

HAHAHA!! Been there to. You need to meet my friend Bill! On second thought......

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

When I worked in Shoes at Wallyworld (yes, I was she of the Al Bundy Clan), I came to realize a few truths. Old men go to the shoe department to fart. ALWAYS! The shoe associate always walks into the cloud of noxious gas just after the assailant has left the area and JUST before another customer (usually a cutish young hot male) comes around the corner to ask a question.

Crazy Sister said...

I'm laughing so hard my eyes are watering! Oh my. I never thought to measure pee in PSI, but now I will.

binks said...

I continually thank my lucky stars that we've only got a one shotter and a back do to release aforementioned gas clouds.
That was freakin' heelarious!