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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Oh to be, wedgie-free!

I wish I had some amusing story or tidbit to share, but I really haven't been paying much attention to life around me the last few days. You know the drill: run yourself ragged trying to get ready for your vacation so you can relax for a week and then run yourself ragged trying to catch up after you get back. Ah well, it will be SO worth it.

My friend is flying in Saturday morning and then we are heading out on Sunday. I am trying to figure out a way to keep her away from my house until dark on Saturday. Combine that with the faux power outage that I have planned for Saturday night and she will never have to know what a sad state my house is in. When we get back the next Saturday, the mess can all be blamed on the rest of the family... not that most of it isn't caused by them anyway.

Last night I spent over half an hour that I didn't have, sorting through all the options in the panty department of my favorite local store. Back in August, when I was watching the Olympics, I saw an advertisement that showed several women trying to discreetly shake their underwear out of their crack. I know, I know, spare me your thong theory - I just can't go there! Anyway, the advertiser promised to cure all need for any 'adjustments' and I tell you I have never before felt so moved by anything on tv. I thought 'Oh, My! THAT is MY STORY!!!'... only I was so busy feeling kinship with those women that I failed to absorb the brand name. I kept thinking I would see the ad again but no... and THEN last night as I was shopping, I saw something that almost made me call up my broker to buy stock in Hanes... if I even had a broker. There on a package of panties was a little sticker that said "Be Wedgie-Free" and I remembered that ad and I think I even squealed a bit at the idea that I could be going on a vacation without constantly doing the panty dance. Mr. Hanes was even promising to give my money back if they did ride up. How could I go wrong? In my excitement I bought two packages... 6 pairs total... almost a week's worth of cheeky comfort!

Well, I took them home and washed them... because, well, you know... you could catch something. Anyway, this morning I grabbed my full-of-promise panties and seriously, jumped into them. Hmm... front looks good... fabric is nice... size feels perfect... okay turn for the rearview.
E. Gad.
Do you know why they promise not to ride up? Because there is enough fabric in the butt-al area for at least a whole 'nother a$$. I looked like a toddler with a big load of junk in her trunk. No kidding. I could've probably pulled the backside up to my bra strap. Instead I folded it over a few times and finished dressing, feeling very let down. Now I keep nervously checking to make sure the wad o' panty-back isn't erupting from my trouser-top. Can't wait for the bike ride home from work. People will think I'm packing a parachute.

I truly believe that life is too short to wear bad underwear, but I have tried almost everything out there - from VS to FotL. All I really want is underwear that fit, don't shrink, don't ride up and make me look like Cindy Crawford. Is that really too much to ask?


Tracie said...

If you find the perfect panty, 1) buy stock 2) let all of us know the brand.

Anonymous said...

Lookin' pretty snazzy around here! Love the pic of PepperAnn ;)

Joisey said...

Not that it matters, but I do love what you've done with the place. I think I may spend some time here. A lot of time. You won't get rid of me like a horrid family member. I'm here to stay. Get used to it.

Dana's Space said...

My God I laughed so hard I could hardly read it to my hubby. He only smiled..?? He just doesn't get it. Why are we destined to a life of crap designed by men. Way funny, love your new site and yeah MSN is SO pissing me off.