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Friday, October 23, 2009

They are Pants-tastic!

One of the side effects of my summer of bicycle commuting has been a marked reduction in my assular acreage. Yay!
Except now none of my pants fit. Boo!
Since I haven't had two spare minutes to rub together, let alone the time it takes to tailor pants, I had to break down and go shopping.

Everybody say 'Ahhhh, poor you' in your most sarcastic voice.
Yeah well, when you are 5'11", most of your pants shopping is done via the internet where there are NO DRESSING ROOMS and have you bought pants lately?

It is no longer just a matter of size and stature. Nowadays you have to take into account your degree of curvi- vs. flat-assedness.
Do you want flare, boot cut, straight or my-feet-are-stuck!?
Above the waist, at the waist, slightly below the waist, low waist or free-bikini-wax-with-purchase waist?
And as long as we're talking mid-section, are you equipped to utilize the contoured waist, the secret expansion waist or the no-waist waist? Wtf's that? For women who go straight from hip to boob?

And they are so evasive about who they are designed to fit. They give them cute names like Mercer and Modern and Marisa and Diva cuts. They use obscure terms like generous and tapered and relaxed and slim. Can pants really relax?
Only if you spill a martini on them.

Anyway, by my calculations there are about 15 fidzillion possibilities so what are the odds that you are going to end up with something that fits well when you can't try them on? Probably 15 fidzillion to one. Duh, Jane.

I was so disheartened when I couldn't find a No-ass/Mini-muffin top/Poochie thighs fit that I was tempted to quit shopping and get back to work. Ah, but then I felt my baggy underwear sliding down inside my baggy pants and it's just not a splendid or professional feeling so I bucked up and reverted to my traditional pants shopping method: buy the first ones I find that are on sale and available in my size.
Did I also mention that I (now) have what seems to be the most popular tall size and therefore the one that is least available?

Well, my aggravation did not go unrewarded. Three new pair of pants arrived on Tuesday and can I tell you that already this week I have saved about half a day by not having to wrestle with a safety pin every time I visit the restroom. And today I am wearing a pair of stretch jeans that I have not had to pull up over my crack ONCE! And I'm not even wearing a belt!!! They are awesome and I think I now understand the concept of the other crack. If the feeling I get wearing these pants was only available on a street corner for 20 bucks, I would be rooming with Lindsay down at the Cir*que.
And if the latest magazines are forreals, I'd be prettier.

Have a skippy weekend, everybody!

12 comments:

Paige said...

Right on to you--I recently did the same thing with the pants...but I have short legs, so I end up tripping over myself. But at least now I am doing it because they are too long, not because they fell down!

Laoch of Chicago said...

I have a simple answer, the glory of the muumuu!

Angie Ledbetter said...

Leggings?

MizAngie said...

Okay, Heifer - now you're just BRAGGIN'! "Oh, oh, poooor Jane lost ass acreage and has to wear smaller pants." On behalf of big-assed couch potatoes everywhere I would just like to say, "PFFFFT!! POOR YOU!!!"

Oh...did I sound a little bitter?

Kat said...

I can pretty much bet that we must wear the same TALL size because there is NEVER any in my size - it's a conspiracy the bastards....

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

One good thing about my clinic visit last week was I found out I'd dropped 20 lbs since January. Not biggest loser poundage but I did a little jig. Anyway, the down side is my scrub pants, which I apparently LIVE in now, are loose in all the WRONG places. I, being short and round, need about a 28" inseam. When you combine that with hips that knock over small children and knickknacks, you get an "almost impossible to find" size. I don't even want to talk about the search for my graduation nursing dress whites. Like I need that kind of pressure.
Anyhow, I definitely relate from the other end of the spectrum. :>

The Lady in Pearls said...

Looks like I inherited your loss. My pants have muffin spillin out all over them. I attribute that to the whole turning 40 thing and the metabolism slowing down. I'm sure it has nothing to do with my wine consumption.

Yeah for you on the downsizing! And that was in no way typed in a sarcastic tone. You lucky bi....oops, that was sarcastic!

Eliza said...

I'm on the short side so I have major problems clothes shoping, I have an acreage problem, hoe did you do it? Cycling alone?

Tracy said...

I can think of very few things in life that I HATE more than shopping for pants!

Congratulations on the new size and finds :)

Pearls To Hide My Neck said...

"free-bikini-wax-with-purchase waist" makes me laugh hysterically! That is so true.
Love your blog.

Jan said...

This was quite funny. I hate pants shopping almost as much as bathing suit shopping. I am 5 feet nine inches with hips. And few pants fit perfectly. It kills me that sizes are so inconsistent. One size 10 is too small and one size 10 is huge. And I am not even taking into consideration all the different "relaxed, classic, curvy" crap. Help!

Jeanne said...

Good job! With your height, I'm surprised you didn't mention problems getting them long enough, but maybe it's just us intermediate (5'6") height women who are all leg who struggle with that.