Saving up her Social Security for pole dancing lessons

Have you met my 80-something MIL?

She not only let her granddaughter 'do' her up in the blond hair extensions, she specially requested the purple accent piece to coordinate with her Hugh Hefner jammies, which she wears so she can slip right away if FIL tries to grab her in bed.

I have a feeling this one will be on her Facebook by noon:

All this happened shortly after we abandoned her at Applebee's.

Yep, she was left standing on the sidewalk while her husband and son snuck out the CarsideToGo door. They assumed she was riding home with Omega and me. But we had stops to make.

Luckily her son picked up on the discrepancy a short while later and Omega zipped back to collect her before the authorities became involved.

She wasn't worried. She said she planned to call someone when it got dark.

Warning: Do not invite this woman to your home if you are struggling with bladder control.

The Regal has Landed

I'm not actually sure what kind of car they drive, but the in-laws have arrived.


At one point in recent history they did have a red Buick Regal, but not only am I pretty unobservant when it comes to cars that I don't have keys for, I have trouble keeping up.
Those two change cars like I change my story.


To my FIL, a flat tire is a sign of vehicular degradation and if it comes on the heels of a carpet stain, it is an immediate ticket to the trade-in lot.

I can tell you that their current car is white, it is something from the Cadillackish league and it is parked in MY spot.



Which leads me to my question of the day; Why do the more expensive cars have numbers and letters instead of words as their model names? Have you noticed that? Almost without exception, the higher end car lines use some combination involving X, R, S, 4, 5, or 0 as their model names.



This was driving me seriously batshit on the drive in this morning.


Why is there no Mercedes Malibu or BMW Beetle?


I, don't usually subscribe to conpiracy theories but I suspect it might be to keep oblivious people like me out of the luxury car market.

If I can't remember the name of it, how am I ever going to buy it?



In my humble opinion, the worst car choice name EV-ER?

The Volkswagen Touareg.

WTH is that anyway? Tell me, if you were going to sink $50k into an SUV would you pick one with that name or one called Porche Cayenne? As I understand it, they are the same vehicle... but Touareg?

Gak.

Sounds like something Texans use to clean their shoes.

'Cain you all toss me that Toh-Rag so ah can wahp the cowpiah offa mah bewts?'*


Have a most excellent weekend. And watch out for cowpies.



Peace, Love, Poor-sha!



*Offended Touareg owners and Texans, be aware that it is Friday, this blogowner is under extreme pressure from work deadlines and In-law visitation and as usual has her basic bitch-0n. Therefore she cannot be held responsible for offensive ramblings at this time. Or any time really.

AND WTH is up with the spacing (or LACK of) on this???

Uh - oh

Do you know what's worse than a dirty spot in the middle of your carpet?

A noticeably CLEAN spot, that's what!

Grrr.

A few days ago, in the middle of the morning frenzy, I spied a fresh, juicy glob of cat puke in the middle of the carpet. By the time I got back to it with the spray carpet cleaner and a rag, however, most of it had disappeared. I shot the dog a 'you are SO disgusting' look and scrubbed out the rest of the goo.
Well, apparently the combination of cat vomit, dog lick and Re$olve carpet cleaner has some crazy whitening properties because now it looks like spring has indeed come to the Jane! house and we are all just waiting for that one last pile of snow to melt.

*cue Jaws music*
Somewhere on the I-15, there is a car full of in-laws - probably with the turn signal on - bearing down on You-tah.....

Ten Top Trivias about Jane!

While I was off wandering dazedly around blogdom in search of I don't know what, I found this! on a blog! that I had never visited before. Who knew there were two accountants out there with exclamation points?!

She's funny so visit her if you need a laugh. But ixnay on mentioning the ivia-tray. Copycat? Me? You all are SO judgemental.

Soanyway, here are Today's Top Ten Trivias - about Jane!:

1- A rhinoceros horn is made from compacted Jane!. And probably their bowels are impacted with Jane!

2- The Jane!-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand Jane!-fights take place there every day. Big deal. Several thousand Jane!-fights take place inside my head every day. And my head is a much smaller place.

3- Antarctica is the only continent without Jane!. And alas, it will have to remain that way because Jane! prefers warm weather, regular airline schedules and ice only in her drinks.

4- It takes a lobster approximately 7 years to grow to be Jane!. But it only takes Jane! 7 minutes to consume that lobster.... wait.... are you saying that I used to be a lobster? Then that would be, eww, cannibalism!

5- If you break Jane!, you will get seven years of bad luck! If you ARE Jane! it's SEVENTY years.

6- It's bad luck for a flag to touch Jane!. So now I'm dirt, is that what you're saying?

7- Jane! can give birth ten days after being born, and is born pregnant! Although Jane! does live in You-tah, this is very much not true. In her prime, Jane! could not even DELIVER a baby in 10 days.

8- A Jane!ometer is used to measure Jane!! This is another lie. You cannot actually measure the presence of Jane!, only the complete absence of the Anti-Jane!

9- Jane! can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid. More bad news! Even the intense heat of hot flashes couldn't bring Jane! down. And acid? I swear I never dropped acid. Even in the 70's. What made you bring THAT up?

10- On stone temples in southern India, there are more than 30 million carved images of Jane!. Wow, SOMEONE in India has a little too much time on their hands.

Wasn't that fun? Not to mention informative. You learn SO much about yourself when you blog. Go ahead, give it a try and put your link in my comments. I think by the end of the week we should have enough information for a complete National Geographic special!!

Which brings me to the sad news.... well, sad for me anyway.... in the next few days I will have to put all my spare energies toward getting my house mother-in-law clean, so I won't be lounging in The Nest much. But I'll leave the door open and you all can wander in and leave your links. Think of it as your way to guest post! If I wasn't so lazy and technically challenged, I'd set up the Mr. Linky thing but.... yeah, I already explained why.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and Kat and Gaston Studio? I WILL deal with you two when I get back.

Misselainee-us

Gah! I must have been rattled yesterday. I just reread that last post - because I hate to repeat myself - and found it riddled with errors. Lorrie will be asking for my mug back any day now.

She can try, but I saw a picture of her last week and I'm pretty sure I can take her vertically challenged butt. And then Sexyhusbandohers would be all mine.... hee hee hee.

Anyway, I have nothing of real importance (like I ever do), so I thought I would go with what I like to call Brain Lint - random dustballs pulled from my head - and call it a blog.

First of all, that lady from Britian'sGotTalent, whose name I should know but don't: Yeah, the one with the incredible (I guess?) voice that has become the 'overnight sensation'. Cute story about how she has never had a date but she sings so wonderfully that even Simon was rendered insultless. Does anyone else find the whole thing a bit strange? I mean how did no one ever notice that she could sing before now? Has she only been singing secretly in the shower all these years? She seems pretty self-possessed - not like she's been hiding.

Seriously, if you knew someone who sang that well, wouldn't you be all 'Wow, you could make money doing that!'?

Or, if you're not all focused on money, like I am; 'You should join the church choir'. Just saying....

Or MAYBE she's actually an undercover nun from the Sisters of Major Mercy convent deep in the Scottish moors, who has been sent to BGT in hopes of bagging the prize money and banking it against the next great potato famine. Oh wait, that was Ireland, huh? Well, maybe a plaid shortage then.

Okay, this is me letting that one go.....

Next, texting: Yes, MsAngie, we do text around the house. And we call each other. Sounds crazy but I think it is the slickest thing since pre-mixed peanut butter. My daughters ALWAYS carry their cell phones because they are teenagers - and I try to keep mine in my pocket just so I know where it is. Homer.... well, this really doesn't apply to Homer because his phone is usually lost somewhere with his keys. And his wallet.

But back to us girls. Texting is the new yelling. When I text 'dinner!' I know they will get the message. And when they text back 'what are we having?' they know I will 'not hear' the incoming text chime. Hee hee. They also can't say that they didn't get the 'Clean your room!' message because Mr. Samsung does NOT lie.

Seriously though, not only is it a great work-around for the hearing impaired, but it saves SO much time. And as for Homer, I've been known to put out a BOLO for him on the girls' phones.

Okay, the #1 Mommy t-shirt: Yes, it's about ten or twelve years old. It's also big enough for me and 7 of you. At the same time. But I won't be party to proving that. Point is, it's pretty, um, not attractive, but how do you throw out something like that? I can't bring myself to do it, so I keep it in the laundry room with my 'bad' clothes - the ones I wear to paint and do dirty work. Except I can't bring myself to get it painty or dirty, either. I was thinking I should make it into a pillow or something but is that kind of braggy? I'm totally taking suggestions on this one.

And Angie L: Thank you for correcting my grammer. You are so right; home-invaders would be the proper term, not 'company'. I am seriously considering your spa-under-the-guise-of-marriage-counseling suggestion. Methinks you have great experience in this area, Glasshoppa.

And as long as we are rounding up Angies: Shupe, your unemployed arse may NOT be safe. You might have to be my 'sick friend' that needs visiting.

Lunch is over; so's my post.

That exploding sound will be my head

I spent the whole weekend creating even more chaos here at Chez Jane. Yes, more.

Who'd a thought that possible.



Since Homer had come to a dead stop on the Mancave project, I moved on to something requiring fewer committee decisions - Omega's bedroom. I promised her a paint job over a year ago and she had finally picked out the colors, so I ran with it.



The ceiling was previously painted to look like blue sky and clouds - a very cool look, I thought, when combined with a vaulted ceiling and clerestory windows.

Cool for my kiddies, not so much for my teenagers.

Sigh.



Thinking all the while about how hard I worked on that ceiling, I attempted to obliterate it with stain-blocking primer. And a coat of ceiling paint. And another coat of ceiling paint.

That sky would not die!



While painting the ceiling, I noticed that the light fixture was cracked so I decided to buy a new one.

But maybe a ceiling fan would be nice.

Omega agreed via text so I bought one.

Two ceiling fans, in fact, because I couldn't decide. And really, how can you make up your mind unless you have your husband put both of them together from the 153 pieces in each box and hold all 84 pounds of each of them up to the ceiling. This one, then that one. Hmmm. Definitely that one.

No.....



He should thank me for the upper body workout.



So I painted the ceiling and the white trim and hung the fan and scooted off to pick up the paint.

Pink.

She wanted pink. Two pinks, in fact.

Let me just say that we have dubbed Omega's room The Barbie Bordello. It takes more mental energy than I possess just to BE in that room. Which might be the plan.



But her stuff is in the hall... and the other bedrooms.... and the living room because I still have one more coat of everything to apply.

And the weekend is over.

Can it get any worse?

Of course it can.



Homer gets off the phone with his parents:



"They're leaving home on Wednesday."



"Where are they going?"



"Here."



"Here. Which Wednesday?"



"This coming one."



(In full meltdown) "Whatthehell? We talked about Mother's Day. We talked about Father's Day! We did NOT talk about April 23rd!"



"Oh, well, let me just call them back and tell them not to come."



"What a relief! I was afraid you wouldn't be willing to do that."



But of course he won't.

And he shouldn't.

Because I like them and all....

But FOUR freakin' days NOTICE?



If the earth was ever going to crack open and swallow me up, now would be a good time.

But with my luck, I would survive and company would still come.

Oh, but then I'd have an excuse for the craptastically messy house!

Totally False Advertising

Omega texts me from the laundry room:

Why don't you ever wear this cute t-shirt Alpha and I made for you in daycare?

What t?

The one that says number one mommy?

Ah. Um. Because I don't want all the other mommies to feel bad?

Good answer. You are such a thoughtful person!

That's why I'm the number one mommy.

Circus, circus

Alpha went to the Britney Spe@rs Circus T0ur concert last night and thought it fabulous - every single piece of each everything that came in all 30 Britney semi-trailers.

This morning, Alpha, sporting a B.S. 'You Want a Piece of Me' t-shirt, shared the exciting details which included many things I don't remember. Britney's cage did make the memory cut. Also the fact that there were no animals in her circus. Thank you god.

In spite of my fershit frame of mind lately, which I will complain about another time, that concert recap was truly a sparkling mommy moment for me. Alpha was never much of a Britney fan during her tween years; mostly just since the rather colorful fall from grace - yeah, Alpha likes a good wreck as much as her mother - but when she talked about the show, she couldn't have sounded more excited if Britney had pulled her up on stage and promised to take her shoe shopping. Ah, these are the memories she will still be sharing (if not re-enacting) around the canasta table at the senior center.

Anyway, what made it fun for me is that Alpha is almost 20 years old and I don't have to worry whether to preach Ms Spears as a horrible warning, or a good example (she has made quite a comeback) or simply a cautionary tale because I sure don't know which way to call it. I just listened and thought back to those bawdy John Denver concerts of my youth.

Luckily, Alpha didn't have to pretend there wasn't lots of skin or suggestive dancing like I would have had to. In fact, if my mother hears that Alpha did see Britney Spears in concert, I will have to tell her that it was the revised You-tah version where they dressed head to toe in seagull costumes and sang show tunes because sometimes motherhood should take a break.

Merry Easter!

In case you don't believe me when I say that my office is a hot house, let me show you my poinsettia which actually looks about 342% better than my photography skilz let on.

If you are tempted to say 'Meh, big deal', let me remind you that today is Good Friday, aka April 10th. I have been custodian of that plant for 4 months and by now it should be bare stems in a landfill but it still looks gorgeous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Suburban Debbie had a post this week about all the things that people do while driving. I'm probably as guilty as anyone of not giving the world beyond my windshield my undivided attention. One of my worst offenses was reading a magazine while driving across North Dakota. If you just went 'Ohmigod, that woman has a death wish!' you have probably never driven a freeway in that state. You can pretty much engage the cruise control, tie down the steering wheel and take a nap for 2 or 3 hundred miles. But never mind that particular piece of my lurid driving past, you have never really been a passenger on the edge until you have ridden to lunch with a paraplegic who takes calls while driving.

"Um, dude? Isn't that your brake hand?"

Then again, it gave me a good excuse to order the biggest, chocolatiest dessert on the menu. I mean who wants to die with a stomach full of 'fast', even if it is Good Friday.

~~~~~~~

Finally, a Friday funny:

Thanks Marial! - Who I am happy to report is high and dry in Fargo. For the most part the dikes held and the sewer system kept up but they are bracing for another round of river rise. How unfair is it that they actually have to hope that is does NOT warm up any time soon?

Peace, Love, 4-day Weekend for Jane!

Number 150

This is my 150th post here on Blogger. I wish Spaces kept track of that sort of thing because I am TOO lazy to go count the ones left lying in a heap over there, but it would be nice to know a grand total. In kind of the same way that you like to know your cholesterol numbers - to make sure that you aren't clogging up the internet in a deadly way.

Anydrivel, to celebrate this momentous event I won't punish you with 150 things about me. You are SO welcome!
I'm not sure there are even 150 things to be said about me. I'm not that multi-faceted.
Instead I have ripped off this little meme from some far off blog that I couldn't find again if you threatened to steal one of my kidneys or corrupt my html.
Sorry, mysterious meme donor!

My ABC's
by Jane

A - Age: Fifty. Still. Maybe forever. I have less than a week to decide. Oh, the pressure.

B - Bed size: Queen. I know it IS very fitting, but I’m not sure what that says about Homer.

C - Chore(s) you hate: Cleaning the cat box. Vacuuming the stairs. Washing windows. And dishes. I’m going to save a few megabytes and just tell you that laundry is the one chore that I don’t mind.

D - Dog’s name: If you don’t already know that, you are in worse shape than I am. Pack your bags for ‘The Home’ immediately.

E - Essential start-your-day item: Caffeine, preferably the diet Dew kind. Lent? It's still Lent?

F - Favorite color: Blue in any way shape or form.

G - Gold or Silver: Both, depends on the outfit. Platinum would be my real preference but you didn’t offer that. You must be even cheaper than I am.

H - Height: 5’10” – at least until osteoporosis ravages my body, which I’m sure is lurking right behind menopause. Middle age is SO unfair.

I - Instruments you play: I used to play the piano, the clarinet and the bassoon but I’m pretty sure I couldn’t prove it now.

J - Job title: Accountant, if the term ‘job’ implies payment. Otherwise, most of what I do could be covered by Maid, Cook and Call girl. No wait, call girls get paid, right? Marriage is unfair, too.

K - Kid(s): Three. Two that I gave birth to and one that I adopted from my mother-in-law. I have tried to send him back numerous times but the old bat is standing firm on her no-return policy.

L - Living arrangements: I have arranged to let them all live. For now.

M- Mom’s name: Ione. How’s that for odd? Bet you never had two of those in your class.

N - Nicknames: My father is the only one who has ever dared to nick my name and to tell you what it was would unleash a weapon SO annoying that Rush Limbaugh would be out of a job. On second thought….

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Is that my birth or giving birth? I’ve probably logged at least 2 weeks in the hospital but mainly because I was reckless in the time before same-day surgery and I’m not very adept at birthing.

P - Pet Peeve: When people have dirty glasses… you know with the fingerprints and eyebrow dandruff and they expect you to focus on what they’re saying when really you just want to grab those suckers and dunk them in the nearest wet substance. That’s really not the only or even worst of my pet peeves, it’s just the first one that came to mind.

Q - Quote from a movie: I’m lucky if I can remember if I have SEEN a particular movie. There is NO hope that I have retained any of the dialogue.

R- Right- or left-handed: I’m right. I'm always right. Unless you ask my husband.

S - Siblings: Two older brothers. I originally typed bothers by mistake. I think that was what you call a Freudian slip, but it would only be half true.

T - Time you wake up: At 6:05am…. And 6:12am…. And 6:19am…. And then at 6:26, which is when Homer slugs me and tells me to quit hitting the *#$@ doze!

U- Underwear: I’m a hipster girl. They don’t peek over the top of my pants or ride up my backside. MUST be cotton, preferably with a touch of lycra so they stay where I put them. Too much information, huh?

V - Vegetable you dislike: Hands down, loose peas. If you really want to see me retch, pass me the canned variety. On the other hand, I adore them raw right out of their pods.

W - Ways you run late: Many ways but most are clothing related. I am pitiful when it comes to deciding what to wear. A good day is when I don’t have to change more than 5 articles of clothing. I had a bad dream just last night about not having the right thing to wear out clubbing with some friends. We’ll skip over the fact that I don’t club and talk about how it was a particularly tricky thing to dress for because we had to crawl through tunnels and trudge through jungles to get there.

X - X-rays you’ve had: Lame. No one cares about x-rays. I'm sure it was just the only x-word they could think of. How about instead we do X-rated movie you loved? Except that they're pretty much all the same and no one remembers the titles, right? Okay, never mind X.

Y - Yummy food you make: Depends on who you ask. Homer’s a sucker for my meatloaf. The girls like my Italian fare (aka Ragu and frozen ravioli). Personally, I love the Thai stuff. I’m not that fond of cooking but it sure helps you get your way about what’s for dinner.

Z - Zoo favorite: Gotta be the monkeys. Would it not be WAY cool to be able to swing from trees and hurl shit at people all day?

Now that didn't hurt a bit, did it? If you want to do it, feel free to steal it and even change it to fit your own needs.
I may be a thief, but I am a generous theif.
With good underwear.

One step below answering yourself

Jane (to PepperAnn): I swear, PA, you are the SWEETEST thing this side of the Pecos.

PepperAnn: Where the heck IS the Pecos, anyway?

Jane: I have no idea but I imagine the other side of it as a pretty boring, lackluster place since everything seems to happen on THIS side of the Pecos.

PepperAnn: If we were to cross the Pecos, would you say to me “Dang girl, you are sweeter that anything on the OTHER side of the Pecos.”? Of course you realize that from a global perspective, everywhere is ‘this side of the Pecos’.... well, except for the actual Pecos itself.

Jane: Okay, I would probably just say ‘PA, you are the SWEETEST thing…. period’ to avoid getting into another philosophical discussion with a dog.

Still suffering brain damage

Yeah, I know I need to grow up and move on from my harrowing restroom experience but I found this on lolcats today and just couldn't resist.


see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Oh crap, I don't know how to shrink that picture since it's html and I have no time to futz around with it so I will just tell you that the bubble reads:
"Ai towd u nawt tu go in dair!"