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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Like the Mary Poppins of Bloggerville

Yes, I know I'm supposed to be AWOL.
Indeed I remember that I gave up blogging.
True, I said I had to focus on some other things.

But we all know how short my attention span is.
And how I can't resist putting in my 3.5 cents (inflation, you know).
More importantly, I can't stand to see a smart, capable, professional woman dissolve into a messy puddle of tears, cake and chenin blanc.
I could see she needed me.
I mean someone has to help her before she lets her hair go.

Yes, I am that good of a friend.
So I won't tell you all that she's afraid to drive on the freeways.

Are you confused?
Just because I started in the middle?
Hey, I am not claiming to have found the divine karma of orderliness during my sabbatical so try to keep up, 'kay?

You see, dear blogbuds, it turns out my friend Junie is on the verge of losing her first child to higher education.
Yeah, totally against her wishes, her oldest manchild, Wally, has chosen NOT to change his name to Bare Pierre and give wings to her dream of opening a chain of naughty French bakeries, all the while remaining safely under her wing as well as her roof.
Yes, indeedy, Wally is escaping.
And Junie is crumbling.

Being the total optimist that I'm not, I suspect that just as soon as Junie gives a little more thought to this development, she will mop up her mascara tears and stiffen her neatly waxed upper lip and see this for opportunity it is.
C'mon Junie! Let's make some lemonade!

Trust me. I mean I'm already the proud owner of a college SOPHOMORE!
Okay, she hasn't actually bothered to leave home yet. But just in case she does, I'm keeping a handy list to remind me of all the benefits that go along with taking a cut in children.

  1. An extra room is freed up! Go ahead and paint it shocking pink and tell everyone it's your naked yoga room. They will leave you alone in there for days! And so will that pesky church lady once they tell her why you can't come to the phone. Don't forget to install a little mini-fridge. Big enough for a box of you-know-what.
  2. Only half as much of your stuff will disappear. This might be more applicable to those of us with girl children, but think about how much longer that batch of cookies will last before they all end up.. on... your.... thighs. Okay, bad example.
  3. Much better chance of captaining the remote control! Think of it, Junie, just you, a box of Franzia and Mike Rowe.
  4. And after Ms. Franzia and Mr Rowe get your engine revved, the odds are better that the id-kays won't be around to witness wild rumpus with the Wardster!
  5. And then there's the quiet sound of siblings NOT arguing about whose turn it is to clean Mom's pink, naked yoga room.
  6. And only half as many thongs to wash. Ew, hopefully, that one doesn't apply to you. Unless your last name is Chippendale. It isn't, is it?
  7. Okay, here's one for you - only half as much he-debris in the bathroom sink. You know - that shaving cream/toothpaste scum peppered with little whiskerettes?
  8. OMG, the smell! Think of how your house will maybe smell a little better! What IS it about teenage feet that make their shoes and everything in the same zipcode smell like week old roadkill after a good rain? Yes, even girls.
Okay, I totally don't know if you wax your lip or suffer from housatosis, but see, Junie? This is something you can work with.
I bet you are feeling better already.
I know you can do this like I know you can find a way to fill all the extra time you'll have.
"Oh, Ward!"

Just remember not to let the door hit Wally on his way out.
I mean, it could hurt him.
And delay his departure.

23 comments:

Bacardi Mama said...

Okay, now that was funny! I've missed your posts.

Miss Thystle said...

Janie! I missed you! Nadine was just asking about you yesterday, too!

Also, why DO teenage feet smell so bad? I think this is one of the mysteries of the world. I literally made M throw away a pair of shoes at the mall and bought her a new pair because the ones she was wearing stunk so bad! She was so embarrased. But not as much as I was by the fact I COULD SMELL HER FEET.

Gross.

Wait. I was going to say something comforting to June. Oh, yeah. CHANGE THE LOCKS OR THEY COME BACK.

lisa said...

Glad to see you're still vetting out sage advise. Nice to see you again!

Kat said...

Good GAWD if I only knew tears and dramatic whining would get you to blog again I would have done it months ago...

PS - BOYS do steal 'products' from their mother...

A Mom on Spin said...

Oh, my friend, you are SOOOOOOO right! I've miss you - my comrade in arms!

Welcome back!

Tracie said...

Good to hear from you Jane!

Junie, chin up!

Kathy B! said...

HAHA! I knew you were plotting a return!!

I laughed so hard reading this post my husband demanded to know what I was reading... and then I read it to him and he laughed, too.

I'm going to buy some shocking pink paint tomorrow. In anticipation.

Ann said...

OH, how I've missed you! I am so depressed, I needed a good laugh tonight (and a drink, but that'll have to wait...)

MizAngie said...

JANE!!! My JANE!!! I'm so happy to read you again.

Junie, don't worry. This is the time when Wally will begin realizing that you're not an idiot after all. You will be MUCH more appreciated once Wally begins realizing exactly how much you did for him at home. Unless he's a jerk, and if so why on earth wouldn't you WANT him to leave?

ANN - your dog looks just like my Timber boy.

Gaston Studio said...

Great post Jane! I'm going to send this link to my next door neighbor who has just become an empty nester.

The Lady in Pearls said...

Ok I am a bit offended. Just a bit. I thought I would be the first reader of this post - since it was for lil ole me! And then I get here and I see 10 other comments already. And it was posted yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But you are the popular one. Always have been. Thank you and I love you to pieces!!!!

The Lady in Pearls said...

Confession time - I didn't actually get to read your post before I jumped to the comments and saw everyone had beaten me here. I was sorta in a hurry to get to Beavers sports physical appointment. That's a whole 'nother disappointment there.

N-e-way......Back at the office now and actually reading it and the comments!! Classic Jane! Classic....

But "wild rumpus with the Wardster"? What's this you speak of Jane? I thought we were at the age where that sort of stuff stops. No? Great! Now I have something else to worry about. My kids are growing up, and off to bigger and better things and my sex life - or lack therof - is in the toilet. Yay me! Thanks Jane. I knew I could count on you!

See aren't you glad you posted? That's what happens when you stay away so long. All of this just gets built up and then I explode in your comments! ; )

BTW - I found "A Mom on Spin" and have been secretly stalking her blog while you were gone. A few times I thought she was you and you just hadn't told us about your third daughter! You two are a lot alike.

Ok, I am done now. All is right with the world again. Jane is back - even if it was for just one post...........

Nadine Hightower said...

My girls left a long time ago and it's been fabulous!!
I have more money to do things.
I have more room in my home.
I have more food in the fridge.
I have the bathroom to myself...despite Roy and the cats.
I can always find my shoes...clothes...purses....makeup....hair brush.
No more slumber parties.
No more tiein' up the phonelines.
No more fights over nothing.

I really miss them.

And I have missed you.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

That sounds good now. My oldest just started 4th grade.

meg said...

Too true, too true~ the door barely closed behind my dd's skinny back before I had that room stripped, painted, & re-purposed for my use- without a bed :-)
Good ot hear from you, Girlie~ missed your snarking face :-P

Bev said...

It was wonderful to see a post from you for our friend June. She's a special lady and I am glad you came out of your AWOLedness to post for her.

Please come back!! Your blog faithful miss you!!

OHN said...

In reading your comments, apparently you are supposed to be somewhere other than blogging. Sorry. I just found you and now, well I can't quit you. (i never even saw the damn movie but i love the quote).

I just blogged about my two older ones taking off for school again...I cannot wait for those extra cookies :)

~jill said...

perfect timing, jane. boy1 left on wednesday to attend college in nashville.

the front bathroom is amazingly clean. the box of cereal has lasted more than 24 hours. and we haven't had to get up early and rearrange cars on the driveway.

good to see you back in blogland....you have been missed.

Jan said...

Missed reading your blog. Hope you are back to stay this time!

t i m said...

my sisters flew out of the long b4 i did which was embarassing for a while but this momma's boy had the last laugh as i graduated with no student debt & they have loads ;)

Shupe said...

Hey sugar babe! You know- I've taken a sebatical as well- Maybe I should drive my lazy butt up to your house and have a coctail- hmmmmmmmmm

how does- Wednesday sound? Friday? oh and Saturday!! :) I miss you dawling!

Laoch of Chicago said...

You must be very proud of your daughter. No doubt she is headed for big things.

thesleepdeprivedmomma said...

Yay, any excuse for Jane to blog is just great with me. Miss the hell outta you.