What happens in Tahoe... gets blabbed all over the internet

If only I had some lurid, saucy stories to share. But no, Chick Trip '08 was pretty tame and that was all good with us.

My friend, Marial, flew into town a week and a half ago and we packed up and headed off to Tahoe for a week.

This is basically what you see when you drive between Salt Lake City and Tahoe.

Well, that's not true. This is the Salt Flats which is quite a bit more exciting than Nevada via I-80. BTW, did you hear that someone went 415 mph on the salt flats last weekend? I bet those drivers wear Depends or something. Four hundred and fifteen mph's!!! Yikes!

Back to us, though. Marial snagged us a swanky condo in Squaw Valley. Check out the views from our balcony.

No tents and coolers for us this year, because we be celebrating the big FIVE OH!

Those hot tubs were wonderful... the perfect way to marinate our abused bodies.

We hiked down to Emerald Bay and beyond one day. Beautiful only starts to describe it.

This is the Vikingsholm Castle. It is under construction, like most of the roads in the Tahoe area.

And we biked the west shore of the lake, stopping at Sugar Pine point. This is Marial multitasking.

She is parenting by phone and taking pictures at the same time.

That's a boat that we didn't ride.

Can you believe how clear that water is??? They say you can see a white dinner plate in 75 feet of water. I believe it.

We also took a hike up to Ellis Lake and had a little lunch lakeside. It was so pretty and peaceful.

Notice my cute new pants from REI. The legs zip off when it gets too hot! I have no idea why it looks like I have a stick up my butt.

Here's our kayak trip on Donner Lake... another unbelievably clear lake.

Here's my copilot on her virgin kayak trip.

Okay, it was my first trip, too, but I'm pretty sure it won't be my last since we didn't rip any holes in the boat.

We paddled up and down almost the whole lake - not bad for a couple of novices.

Marial took this picture. Notice how ONE of us is busy paddling while the OTHER one, the one in the BACK, is taking pictures!

One day we drove around the whole lake and made brief contact with the racy Nevada side, but that was about it. We both preferred to throw our money into massages and body wraps at the spa. No pictures, just one word - ahhhh!

Definitely heaven, this Tahoe place.

Freezer Love

Ever have one of those cumulatively crappy days
where nothing stands alone
as the single big brown stain on your day,
but by 5 o'clock you are exhausted
from trying to dodge every little annoyance that gets shot at you?
Like… say for instance, you get bike grease on your white linen pants,
your stapler jams - over an over again,
your husband sends you an irritating email,
your lunch order gets screwed up,
your water bottle jumps from your bike
SIXTY-THREE
actual blocks from home…
and springs a leak...
on top of the usual job-related irritations and
THEN
when you get home feeling SO hungry
you think you will truly DIE,
you discover that you are one bouillon cube short of dinner.
Yeah, JUST like that!

Well, don’t give up hope, campers.
Because just as you are sitting there,
crumpled in the corner holding your little empty Wyler’s jar
and wishing you were Samantha Stevens
so you could twitch your nose and conjure up a cube or two,
you may get an idea.
You might suddenly remember freezing a container of chicken stock a few weeks back!
And when you madly plow through your freezer,
getting more and more frustrated
because not only can't you find the broth
but you CAN find at least a half dozen single waffles,
37 yellow Italian ices,
some foil wrapped frozen mysteries, and no...
could it be?
Why yes!
Yes it is!
Something that has eluded capture for at least 3 months!
And suddenly chicken stock and dinner and all the day's bad things evaporate.
And when your daughter comes home and sees you sprawled on the floor
in front of the open fridge,
licking a wooden stick,
and she asks how your day was, you will smile and say
“Splendid!"
Because Jesus sent you a Dove bar.

A Very Taxing Day

How (not) to get your taxes done.

Decide to assemble documentation needed to start income taxes.
Clear off dining room table for lots of room to spread out.
Notice that the table needs polishing.
Find polish and rag.
Polish table taking extra care not to get stuff in the crack where the leaf goes.
Observe how unpolished the chairs look in comparison.
Polish six chairs.
Might as well vacuum the seats, too.
Empty vacuum first for best results.
Vacuum chairs and stow vacuum.
Trip over @%#$ pair of shoes by door.
Take shoes to bedroom closet.
Realize that shoes need to be organized.
Organize shoes by color.
No, by heel height.
No….by color.
Discover cat bad-side-up on bed,
perform obligatory belly scratch.
Notice how much cat is shedding.
Find grooming brush.
Brush cat until he escapes and hides under chair.
Poke under chair with hanger.
Catch cat, brush until he escapes again.
Get Neosporin and bandaids.
Notice how much cat hair is now on pants.
Find magic sticky roller thing.
Remove non-sticky layer.
Experience peeling malfunction.
Curse cheapo sticky roller thing.
Finally get a complete new layer of sticky stuff.
De-hair sweatpants.
Decide it’s getting too warm for sweatpants.
Try on capris.
No, shorts
Run outside for a weather test.
Decide to go back to pants.
But some thinner ones.
Which must be down in the laundry room.
Along with a whole basket of clothes that need to be put away.
Empty basket.
Might as well throw a load in washer.
Use up last of detergent.
Put detergent on shopping list.
Thoroughly inventory refrigerator, freezer and pantry,
Put more things on shopping list.
Gather menu ideas for next few days.
Unable to locate favorite recipe.
Look it up online.
But first check email.
Curse overdue notices from library.
Send off a few emails.
Locate recipe.
Attempt to print but see printer is out of ink.
Remove cartridge.
Rifle through desk for replacement cartridge.
Which is also empty.
Find pen and manually write down recipe from computer screen.
Shake out hand cramp.
Apply IcyHot.
Put even MORE things on shopping list.
Take potty break.
Notice pretty nail polish on counter.
Try out nail polish on pinkie finger.
And ring finger and birdie finger and right on up through thumb.
On both hands.
Wave hands furiously to dry polish.
Turn on tv while waiting for second coat to dry.
The Victory Garden is on.
Watch the VG man trim rosebushes.
OH…..MY……HECK!!!!
Realize WE FORGOT TO TRIM THE ROSEBUSHES!
Run out to shed, grab pruner and with total disregard for damp nail polish, trim rosebushes.
Place trimmings in garbage.
Put pruner away.
Rearrange gardening tools from sharpest to dullest.
Realize manicure is total loss.
Look for nail polish remover.
Which is missing.
Find it on top of tv.
Remove nail polish.
Throw cotton balls in garbage.
Which is overflowing.
Empty wastebasket.
Hear mail truck.
Going UP the hill.
Sit on front step and wait for mailman to come back DOWN the hill.
Hey HERB! How's it going?
Shoot breeze with neighbor until mailman delivers.
Empty mailbox.
Sort through mail.
Act surprised to see a Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon.
Throw junk mail.
Shred 62 credit card apps.
Jam shredder.
Reverse shredder.
Shred same bunch of stuff but this time take a run at it.
Jam shredder again.
Observe very bad burning machinery smell.
Reverse shredder.
Reduce to more manageable layers.
Spray air freshener to hide smell.
Open window to get rid of air freshener smell.
Notice spring fresh smell outside.
Open more windows.
Open ALL the windows.
Find a National Geographic on couch.
Sit down to read for just a second.
Mm, interesting.
Think that monkeys are so lucky.
Read more.
Get comfortable.
Feel chill.
Get up and close window.
All of them.
Grab blanket.
Continue reading.
Doze.
For TWO hours.
Wake up.
Realize it’s dinner time.
Order pizza.
Set table.
Eat.
Clean off table again.
Notice it is too late to start working on taxes.
Take a bath.
Remark out loud, for everyone to hear, that doing taxes sure takes a LONG time.
Go to bed.

Scatterbrains Anonymous

March 29

My name is JaneFay and I am a something-aholic.

I am not sure if there is a name for what I am, but there must be a 12-step program to cover it because Step One is really a statement about MY LIFE:

I am admitting I am powerless over (in my case) EVERYTHING and my life has become unmanageable.

I love that word: Unmanageable. If one of those survey people called me on the phone right this very moment and asked me to describe my life in one word I would say without hesitation 'unmanageable'. It is much more dignified than 'disaster'. Fancier than 'a mess'. Less wordy than 'out of control'. And much more proper than 'cluster f#ck'. So unmanageable it is.

Since 12-step programs are all about numbers and I'm kind of partial to them myself, I'm going to give you a list. A numbered list of how I know my life has become unmanageable (that word is SO hard to type).

1) The last entry in my check register is February 1st. Yes, 2007 but I have debit receipts over an inch thick in my wallet that need to be recorded and balanced and all those things that a person of my occupation should have no problem taking care of once a week during a coffee break. The only reason I have not been sent to debtor's prison is because I can periodically peek at my balances online. Thank you internet.

2) Although it is almost April, I have not even started filing our taxes. I have a vague idea where my W-2 is and I have amassed quite a pile of things that came in the mail stamped 'important tax documents'. Just thinking about the organizational planets that will need to align to get all that information together at one time boggles my mind. But I do have Turbo*tax. If I can find it.

3) I have not called my mother in over a month. This only gets incrementally worse with each passing week. True, she could call ME, which she said she was going to do over FOUR weeks ago and hasn't but she will have forgotten that. She will only remember that I haven't called HER. I have to plan this for a time when I can throw back a few stiff belts to numb the ear chewing I will get.

4) I have, right there on the counter by the back door, TWO library books that were due back March 10th. I could have gone online at the time and renewed them but I was naive enough to think I would get them returned soon. Now I am over the fine limit and have been locked out of the system. Libraries may be a free service to some but not to me, I believe in paying for what I get. One fine at a time.

5) This week there has not been a single meal with any nutritional value cooked in our kitchen. That says something. The fact that it still looks like a frat-boy bachelor pad and we are always one dishwasher load short of catching up says even more.

6) There is a pile of baby gifts sitting on my china cabinet. The baby is almost 3 months old. My brothers had birthdays last Sunday, their cards are sitting next to the baby gifts.

7) I vaguely recall signing off on my daughters' school schedules for next year but I have no idea what they are taking. Hopefully, the high school doesn't let them take calligraphy, break-dancing, conversational Swahili and floral arranging all at the same time. The special fees would kill me.

8) The pile of unwashed laundry is equaled only by the washed stuff that is not yet put away. Technically I am only responsible for doing the laundry, 'they' are responsible for putting it away. The one exception is Homer's underwear. When his boxer drawer runs dry he has a special way of signaling it. Yesterday was whitey tightie day. TWENTY-year-old whitey tighties that are not as thick as one would hope. I wish I knew where he kept them stashed. Needless to say, there are no winners in this battle.

9) Last Sunday afternoon, in the middle of the day, the big, huge, multi-sectioned Sunday newspaper - even the coupons - DISAPPEARED! Right out of our house. Evaporated. Poof! Has not been seen since. I am a little worried because every night I sleep in the very spot it was last seen. I mean, makes you wonder.

10) In the 'way' back of my car, I have two milk crates full of newspapers that need to be dropped off at the recycling bin. Since the time those crates were put in my car, we have amassed the equivalent of two more milk crates full, which cannot be put in the back of my car since they are not in milk crates. I have some standards - one being no loose newspapers in the back of my car. I will take the high road here and hardly mention the fact that we have been paying the county since JANUARY for a recycling bin that has yet to be delivered. And in case you think you are so smart - NO, last Sunday's paper is not there anywhere.

11) Also car related: The oil change light has come on, signaling the need for $30 and 30 minutes of my time. It has not been cleaned and vacuumed inside since...hmm... maybe October. There is reject Halloween candy under the front seat and some kind of detritus on the back floor mats that, when wet, gives off the most heinous funk you ever smelled - kind of a cross between wet dog and sour milk. Also along for the ride: a pair of size 6 dance shoes that need to be mailed back, a pair of jeans that need to be exchanged, and a 6-pack of various blankets that get dragged into the car on cold mornings but never taken out on warm afternoons. I may have mentioned that I have a fairly small car, which, thankfully, has limited crap capacity or it could be worse. Much worse. To prove it, I'm going to take you on a tour of Lola's SUV sometime.

12) Every time I brush my teeth, I have to look at the nastiest, most stained, cancer-ridden sink you have ever seen. I actually bought a new sink TWO AND A HALF YEARS AGO but since this is the master bath and no one but Homer and me use it....well, you know how that goes. It is on my list, though. For after I gain control. After step 12. Really, I just need to find a meeting of um...... what do you think? Scatter-brains Anonymous? Geez, I hope I don't have to start my own chapter 'cuz you know that means, well, it means that it probably won't happen any time soon.