I think you will congratulate me for not killing him

As if I needed further proof that I should not let Homer plan a remodel on our house, I give you a recent example of a simple home repair:

In this example, we need a new handle for our back storm door.
Jane's thinking it should go something like this:

• Remove handle.
• Throw in pocket.
• Motor to the H'Depot.
• Pick out best match for a reasonable price as long as it has the lever feature that makes entry so much easier when hands are full of groceries.
• Buy it.
• Take it home.
• Install it.

Estimated time: 1-2 hours
Estimated cost: $25


The reality of Homer doing it:

• Remove handle on Saturday. Leave inside part on the counter, take outside part to Lowe's... in wife's car.
• 

• Browse handle sets... and rotisseries for grill, but buy nothing.
• 
  
• Leave storm door handle-less, forcing the family to pull carefully at the deadbolt to gain entrance.
• 
  
• On Sunday, trip over to a few home centers and bring home... a rotisserie.
• 
  
• On Monday leave handle in car, which goes off to the high school for the day.
• 
  
• Assemble rotisserie. When handle comes home, ride bike to H'Depot and buy FIVE different lock sets - 3 different colors and 3 different styles.
• 
  
• Show wife the 5 options that have been purchased.
• 
  
• When wife states that her only request is that it be the lever style, try to talk her into some weird-ass type that lifts up!
• 
  
• When wife states that either brass or white would be acceptable colors as long as it is the lever style, show her the weird-ass handle again and pretend you didn't hear her.
• 
  
• When wife starts building the road map of pressure filled veins on her forehead, note how it reminds you of Cincinnati and tell her about your planned trip back to Lowe's the next day to purchase some other available options.
• 
  
• When wife states that she would definitely like a BRASS set WITH A LEVER and will accept NOTHING ELSE (because there is one right in front of her), suggest that she consider black because it would match the slate floor that you would like to put down in the ADDITION.
• 
  
• Mumble something else about a slate-topped table and making a man-space as wife retreats to bedroom... and locks the door.
• 
  
• Leave all five options on the kitchen counter so wife gets a good look at them.
• 
  
• Tuesday do nothing.
• 
  
• On Wednesday, decide to save ass and go with the only lever style handle that you've purchased... except discover that footprint is different and will require touch up paint. Apply touch up paint. Meanwhile, temperatures have dropped to glove weather, adding a new challenge level to the game of gaining entry.
• 
  
• Thursday... scrape off crappy looking touch up paint and try again.
• 
  
• On Friday go skiing.
• 
  
• Saturday - give up making paint patch look good. Delegate to wife. Note what good job she does with the paint and wash hands of project. When wife swears out loud about the new lockset not even fitting... AT ALL, after all that rigamarol... argue with her. Tell her she is wrong and when it becomes obvious that SHE IS NOT, change the subject... to the remodel.
• 
  
• When you tell wife that you bought every available handle type and the one she wants is NOT available anywhere, change your story AFTER she breaks the seal on her second choice, consolation, weird-ass handle and tell her that you never actually went back to Lowe's.
• 
  
• Mention how nice the installed NON-lever handle looks. Make note to sleep with one eye open, lest the old handle find a new dark, uncomfortable home.

Actual time: 1 week+
Actual cost: Currently $100+ pending return of 4 locksets which may or may not happen before divorce is final.
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BTW- Does anyone know why the bullets and numbers don't show up on the published posts even though they are quite clearly there when you write it?